October 31st, 2011by leftzero
i dont know what i feel anymore. theres pain because i still cry at times, but a lot of the time im just too tired to feel. im starting to think that feeling tired will eventually take over all other feelings, and i dont know what will happen then. ive been thinking about suicide for years, but im always too scared to do it. i dont care about pain or anything that could happen while im alive, im just afraid that once i die, something awful can/will happen because i killed myself.
i dont really wish to be dead, i just wish to put an end to my tiredness and suffering. im tired of dealing with my life. i know people have it way worse, but that doesnt make my situation any better. i cant make myself believe that by thinking about how bad others have it, ill automatically value my life more and just move on. i have this emptiness inside me caused by loneliness. im not sure if this is my biggest problem, but i do know that it affects me greatly. i dont have anyone i can tell absolutely anything to. i dont have anyone to cry on, i dont have anyone i can call my best friend. i used to have a boyfriend, but he broke up with me over a year ago. hes also part of why i suffer. my family sucks, and thats another big factor. i have “friends,” but i only talk to them at school or when we hang out. i have fun, i smile, and i laugh a lot. but thats only when im surrounded by others that distract me from reality. whenever im alone, at home, im sad. im sad and im tired of feeling sad. the little moments that make me “happy” are not enough, because im never truly happy. i feel like im wearing this mask to hide everything. i never show or tell anyone how i truly feel. i just think that no one will honestly care, and even if they did, i doubt they could make a difference. ive just given up, i just want to go away.
i dont have a passion for anything. theres nothing i can honestly say im good at, and theres nothing i want to achieve in life. sure, it would be nice to have a good job and family, but i dont really want that. i dont not want it, but i dont care if i get it or not. i dont want to try to be happy. i dont want life. i just want to not live. i want to not be. and of course, the only solution seems to be suicide. but again, i dont have the courage to do it. but im getting closer to it every day. the only thing that could probably save me, as cliche as it sounds, is love. but i hate love. every time i think i love someone, i just end up getting hurt. i dont want to take chances on it any more, because its so hard for me to get over things that cause me pain. i still have a little hope, which is why im writing on here. i just dont know whether it will last long enough. i will be in college soon, so im hoping that my life will change once i go. i dont want to go, but i have no other option. but theres still months left, and im already running out of ways to cope with how i currently feel. ive been dealing with this for too long, i think i need help. i just want this to go away..