I have episodes. Yesterday, it was gone. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what the hell I was thinking.
As one of the preceding posts mention it, there are steps. I’m at step 5: Do It.
I survived through yesterday and today I am determined to survive through today. Even though it started out as a shit day, I’m pretty sure I want to see tomorrow.
I’m scared. I know it will come back. I know I will go through a week of hell sooner or later and everywhere I go and seek for help they always turn me around. I’m scared my own head will swallow me and no one will be able to help me once I get there.
I wish I had the strength to throw away the noose in my drawer. Today, I will not open that drawer. Today, I will not kill myself. The only resource I seem to have left is my own willpower. That is, until my mind swallows me again.
12 comments
Oh man I feel for you. We’re just dropping like flies here for no real reason.
Sorry for that last comment, I’m really really on edge and not thinking properly. I’m grappling with shall we say similar demons and all I can say is that you will not survive long if you don’t find the strength to be what you need to be. You need to find the things that resonate and fast. Hmmm I wish I could express it better.
No problem, I take no offense. I thought that first comment made perfect sense, honestly. I don’t know what exactly you’re apologizing for.
I do need to get a grip. This IS ridiculous. The worst, I guess, is being lucid throughout the process. When you just know you’re losing rationality. But you just can’t help it. It’s fucked up.
These overwhelming feelings and urges. I don’t even understand them myself. This is shit.
Just don’t give up. What you call “the something” can be found. In fact from what little we have interacted it would seem you’re vaguely on the way at least.
I don’t know how it is for everyone. I guess it depends on the reason. For me, it’s like a gear in my brain just turned the wrong way. The rest of me is completely powerless to it and has no choice but to watch incredulously the unfolding of the reactions caused by that tiny shift.
Sometimes, the gear kicks back almost quite in place and then you feel like an alien in your own body. Yet, there’s nothing you can do. It’s the most fucked up thing that’s ever happened to me. I sound like a total nut case. Which, I probably am.
I’m on the brink of a Jungian epiphany with you. Or maybe it’s just a need of identification? Seriously though, all I can really say is know thyself. Hardest thing ever. You seem to have what it takes, you have things to live for, you at least vaguely see the problem and are willing to strive to overcome.
Please bring this epiphany forward! I’m extremely curious of its contents.
The problem is my head. There’s something wrong with it. There’s a chemical unbalancement somewhere. I stopped birth control because that was one possible variable for chemical haywiring in there. The reason every psychologist, psychiatrist kicks me out of their office is that they can’t grasp how I can be so rational about this. I know I have a lot of stuff to live for: children, friends, family, school, professional accomplishment. If I could just get my head out of my ass. This is all going to shit and I just need to find a solution. If someone could just get what I’m saying and help me appropriately I know this would be over.
I’m an INTP, we’re funny people to start with. But this is too much and if it swallows me at some point there might be nothing I can do about it.
If you’re really absolutely certain it’s all due to a chemical imbalance then you need to get meds, plain and simple.
I have my doubts, but in the end you know best? Has this always been like this or did it start at some specific point.
I wish I knew. My mind is going wild analyzing the possibilities. I don’t want another episode. I don’t want this to happen again. Most of all, I want to be me and never worry that tomorrow I might kill myself again. At their apogee, I can cry for hours on end. I cried ten hours straight last time. I want to be able to function and live. There just seems to be nothing I can do anymore. I was crazy to start with, but I’ve reached new proportions.
You probably have some idea at what time it started getting really bad. Although if it really is this brutal you might as well get meds and see if it works. What do the “professionals” tell you?
Problem with most meds is they only treat the symptoms. That’s my experience anyway.
They glaze over my problems, but it means I never learn to live with my illness. I just pretenc it doesn’t exist.
*pretend*