life is a *****

I find myself day dreaming about ways to die. what methods would look? what the person that finds would see and how they would react. I know that suicide is selfish and a horribble thing to do to family and friends but i dont care. I dont care anymore. I have been thinking about suicide since the age of 14 and im 23 now. So many times i tell myself life will get better soon and the hell that i am in wil surcome and i will be free. this has yet to happen and i just keep going through a battle with myself and the world that wants me to stay. What is the point of living when there is nothing to live for?everyday is struggle that i can’t escape. yeah i have my good days that make me think that im suppose to be here and havent found my reason yet, but those days are few and im often wondering what the point is. Im not scared to die. Im not scared of not knowing what is out there, outside of life. Im scared of the act itself. will i do it wrong and be a veg. will someone find me before i go and drag me to the hospital where i will have to be under lock down? and its not like i dont feel loved or have friends. i know im loved and that i would be missed. but the pain that i live with everyday is to hard to handle and its exhausting.why stay in a world that im unhappy in?