I feel like i’ve finally hit rock bottom. I’ve lost so much, so much that was so close to my heart. I’m tired of disappointing people i love, and being disappointed by people i love. My ex has finally had it with my crazy self. He can’t handle it anymore.So he once again left me and broke my heart. 2 years of putting your all into somebody and never actually had a chance.Not to mention he first left me for my step-sister……. I have uncontrollable anger, and the minute i act upon it, i immediately regret it. I basically pushed him away by my actions. Now i’m stuck here and have to live with the fact that i pushed away the one person i love the most. I feel so worthless. Nothing is going as planned. Even when i was a child, my parents embedded in my brain to “Never Give up!” and “Dreams do come true!” But after my parents divorce as a young child thats when i started losing hope, but i still tried and tried, and tried, and tried. It got me no where. I am no where going no where. I have done so many things wrong, and each time i say “I’ll change” but never do. I can’t figure myself out. Thats what scares me the most. I don’t even know who i am. My anxiety and depression gets the best of me, but my angers destroys me. I turn into a different person. I have so much pain and heartache. Even when things seem to be going right i still manage to mess things us because of jealousy or something so stupid. I never learn. I started cutting myself a little over a year ago,then stopped. I have always drank, but i started to abuse alcohol to make the pain go away, and when i did, i made more stupid decisions that messed things up even more. I’ve attempted to kill myself, but never actually had the strength to put that plan into gear. I know i need help, but theres part of me that just doesn’t understand why i have to be prescribed to a pill and get help to make me normal, or like everyone else. I have lost all my friends, and pushed away the love of my life. My pain worsened with i lost a very close childhood friend in a car accident a few months back. Since then, i’ve been even more on edge. I feel like this is my last shot to get things right. I just don’t know where to start, how to change, and control my anger. I can’t remember the last time i had motivation to go and do something, i sleep all day and cry all night. Also started back cutting myself again tonight. So beyond lost, and feel so beyond worthless. I’m not quite sure when i started losing myself, all i know now is that i’ve completely lost myself.
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‘Lost and Worthless’ that is how I feel. I have difficulty controlling my anger as well. I get violent and destructive. I have calmed down, though. That’s the good thing. Bad thing is I’m only calm because I’m so close to the edge of suicide. I too have tried and worked so hard in my life but I keep running into deadends, and letdowns.
I’m not really good at giving advice but hopefully somebody else will. All I can offer is an open heart/mind. Best I can do is listen. I suppose that is all I am capable of.
so comforting to know you feel the same. I just don’t know what to do. How am i suppose to stop this anger. I just all the sudden ‘blow up’. its like i almost black out and become someone else just for those few seconds. I definitely have calmed down as well, but the fact that it still happens drives me crazy. I fight with myself constantly. So many times i’ve been let down, just wondering when will things go right, and STAY right. Thank you, i appreciate the open heart and mind. I am able to provide the same for you.
If it’s anger management a counsellor may be able to help. Just saying.
I control my anger by sitting by the lake. I’d sit there for hours on end till the sun sets. Different story for when I’m at work or in public, I keep it bottled up inside to the point of bursting. Today I ‘exploded’… But I had to let it go, to leave it be, and walk away because I didn’t need the added stress. The rage does turn me into a completely different person. Not pleasant at all. My biggest letdown is 12 people walking out on me without an explanation or even a goodbye. So friendship and trust meant nothing. Thanks guys.
*Well, ONE of my biggest letdowns actually. It sure doesn’t compare to what I faced for 10 years. That one seems trivial.
@Umbra_Uroboros: At least you have a lake. All I have is a concrete jungle. Epic population density here, so wherever I turn I’m surrounded by people, sometimes I just feel like telling them to go screw themselves and leave me alone. Never been much of a people person…
@teshyn
My hometown is only a population of 2000 people. Basically I live in the middle of nowhere but it is quiet and peaceful here. Although I wouldn’t mind living in the city for a change of scenery. Yeah, I get what you mean. I’m not a people person too. Been a loner all my life. Still am.
@Umbra_Uroboros: Now I’m jealous of you, because “quiet and peaceful” is what I’ve been searching for my whole life (which is admittedly not very long). The city can be full of excitement, but it can also be full of poverty. Definitely not my kind of place. I once did volunteer work in a village with literally no resources — it was brilliant.
Maybe you could make living in the city your goal, and I could make living in a quiet place mine. Instead of a suicide pact, we’d have a life pact.
@teshyn: To be successful has been my goal for as long as I can remember. Living where I am now will get me nowhere. I have to leave this place and come back only when I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. But every day is becoming a struggle and it’s getting harder to keep my chin up. Suicide is my last possible resort. If situations don’t change for me then I have no other choice.
@Umbra_Uroboros: I see, you have a goal. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but why is every day becoming a struggle?
@teshyn: I’d rather not say. It is quite complicated, and frustratingly simple at times.
Hugs to you L&W…me too…