Maybe Tonight, Hopefully Sooner than Later

I just got back from the hardware store, picked up something crucial to get this done.

I got back and the roomate wants an extra roomie to help pay the rent, I am against any more in the house, yet I said ok because it isn’t going to make any difference to me, I won’t be here to much longer.

I’ve choosen to use an inert gas, the exit bag thing is just to awfull, I just can’t or will not pull a bag over my head. I figured another way to deliver the stuff. At least I won’t be found with a bag over my head.

It’s supposed to be very quick, I found a youtube video of a documentary from the UK, “How to Kill A Human Being”. It’s a exploration of the most humain ways to possibly execute a person.

It shows a pig eating apples and then stumbling a little as the gas is inhaled, it steps back, and then immediately goes right back to eat. So no unpleasantness for the pig there should be none for me.

Accept I’m not a pig that doesn’t think past it’s stomach, I will know what I am doing and that is the hard part. Actually taking an action that will end my life. It’s not as instant as say poisons like Hydrogen Sulfide, or a firearm. I will have to breath this in a few times, my heart rate will be through the roof, panic and fear will be with me.

Allthough physically painless, the act will cause emense emotional pain so I don’t know if I can say this is a painless end.

Will I end up on the otherside aware for eternity, caught in the fear of those last seconds of life for eternity ?

If I had to hope for something it would be this, that there is a God and that this God would allow me to be healed in an afterlife. A God that would watch over those I have left behind and heal anyone which my life has damaged.