Meaningless ramblings from a sentient primate

October 29th, 2011by mynameiskorey

Existence. Non-existence. Two mutually exclusive states that we all wrestle with or have a dim awareness of. What does it mean for consciousness to be nothing? What does it mean for consciousness to be “something”? It’s questions like these that I’ve struggled with. I’ve never felt like I’ve possessed a “self” or consequently, value. I’ve always felt I’m just a collection of vaguely associated thoughts, beliefs, emotions, neuroses, and psychological tendencies. Because of this, I’ve had trouble developing self-confidence, which I’m told is COMPLETELY NECESSARY for any kind of success, professionally or in relationships. This is what scares me. The root of all my problems, is a combination of the disassociation of my “self” and a hatred of all my shortcomings. Depression, the intermittent feeling of nothing, doesn’t help me to overcome these entrenched issues. With these fundamental problems, how can I do anything in life? How can I experience love, establish a vague conception of purpose, fulfill my ambitions of helping and connecting with people, or experience what it means to be alive? I may plunge myself into intellectual distractions such as science, philosophy, and literature, but really, immersing myself in abstractions only seems to avoid the problem. I don’t feel like I can accomplish any of this. Why live at all? Why not just go into the inevitable eternal oblivion? I don’t want to exist anymore. I can’t exist anymore. There is no “I” that can exist. The capability for living is not something I possess.

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