Existence. Non-existence. Two mutually exclusive states that we all wrestle with or have a dim awareness of. What does it mean for consciousness to be nothing? What does it mean for consciousness to be “something”? It’s questions like these that I’ve struggled with. I’ve never felt like I’ve possessed a “self” or consequently, value. I’ve always felt I’m just a collection of vaguely associated thoughts, beliefs, emotions, neuroses, and psychological tendencies. Because of this, I’ve had trouble developing self-confidence, which I’m told is COMPLETELY NECESSARY for any kind of success, professionally or in relationships. This is what scares me. The root of all my problems, is a combination of the disassociation of my “self” and a hatred of all my shortcomings. Depression, the intermittent feeling of nothing, doesn’t help me to overcome these entrenched issues. With these fundamental problems, how can I do anything in life? How can I experience love, establish a vague conception of purpose, fulfill my ambitions of helping and connecting with people, or experience what it means to be alive? I may plunge myself into intellectual distractions such as science, philosophy, and literature, but really, immersing myself in abstractions only seems to avoid the problem. I don’t feel like I can accomplish any of this. Why live at all? Why not just go into the inevitable eternal oblivion? I don’t want to exist anymore. I can’t exist anymore. There is no “I” that can exist. The capability for living is not something I possess.
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2 comments
korey,
why do you say you are a primate? it seems like what you’re trying to do is get a look at the back of your head. in other words, you’re trying to do something that you really can’t do, though you can try to do it. it also kind of seems like you’re focusing on yourself too much.
but what are your shortcomings that are getting you down? do you know what your ‘self’ is supposed to consist of? i would that your self is your character, your will, and your mind. these things make you who you are, but simply having them is not much to begin with. what is your character like? what is your will in life? and what is your mind on?
i would really like to talk to you about these things, because i think i can help you. please will you email me? my email address is my username. i really hope to hear from you (or anyone). thank you korey
Know what you mean but sometimes it seems success isn’t so much being confident but mirroring/faking it enough for the other apes around you to believe it.
If you can plunge yourself into anything, rather than drift in nothing, you have the ability to love and what not.
I just can’t say on the rest, you know best on that.