Weird, huh? Mom has not succeeded in giving her kids as much love, support, security, happiness and wants to leave them to someone who can and step out. It seems I’m the source of all the suffering of my children, their father, my ex-boyfriend. My family doesn’t back me up. Even at work, I’m told I’m not that great. Yep. I suck.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. To give my children the feeling of worthiness and love I never felt I had. But I’ve failed miserably. I have a daughter whose room and house is covered in holes. She kicks, bites, screams, runs away. Once every 10 days or so, she acts out. She’s not into drugs, sex or alcohol but she’s so unhappy. She cuts herself. She doesn’t sleep. Every counsellor I take her to says I need to change…so I do. But it still happens. I tell her how good she is. I try not to engage. I’ve given her meds. I leave her alone. But I also ask that she pick things up off the floor…and that’s what caused tonight’s broken door and thrown phone. And I am done. I can’t even ask that she pick up her clothes? Really? Once a week?
I’m a single mother. I have been for the last 11 years. She’s 14 and her sister’s 12 going on 33. Her father sees her about 90 hours a month. I work long shifts but only about 16 days per month. I’m super lucky to be home with my girls so often. My kids are my top priority. In fact, my ex-boyfriend said I was too responsible for them. But I’m all they have. My mother died when I was a kid and my dad and family are not helpful. Their father’s family aren’t either. I brought them here and I’ve always wanted to do whatever it took for them to live up to their potential for happiness.
But I screwed it up in a bad way. I really did. I lecture…ugh. I cry. I get depressed. I’ve said rotten things. I escalate things. I take things personally. I enable. I’ve even slapped her.
So, now I trigger her. My very existence triggers her. And we are all very sad 2 days out of 5 to be living in this house together.
I’ve never had a successful, loving relationship. The man I love with every breath hates my every breath. My ex-husband stuck a finger in my face just 3 days ago to say that I was a horrible person and I am the reason my daughter is so messed up…that’s after I asked that he communicate with me to tell me he would be 16 hours late in picking up his daughters. I am old and pretty sure no man will ever want me. I’m not horribly ugly… yet.
I have been working to “fix” me for 300 years. I’ve made vast improvements in my psyche through thousand of dollars of therapy. But, everyone agrees, this situation is my fault. And, it seems, there is nothing I can do to “fix” it. I am not up to the task. Not if I have to do all the work and not be able to ask that my daughters pick up after themselves. I won’t be walked on. I’m walked on enough as it is.
I think my leaving would help everyone. Their dad would take them in. He’s a good man and they would be okay. I won’t be around to trigger them. I won’t be around to constantly say and do the wrong thing and I would solve the problem of never finding a man who can see my good. I’m pretty tired, anyway. Tired of trying so hard to be a good mom and someone people would love.
It sounds pathetic. Leaving them would put a huge hole in their hearts. I know this. I survived, though. Stronger because of it, actually.
It would have to look accidental. I’ll spend the next few months getting all my “affairs” in order. I’ll let everyone know where everything is. I won’t have a choice about where they would live. They would live with their father and his girlfriend. I will repeatedly tell them all their good and how glorious they are. I’ll write letters. I’ve always done that, so it won’t seem weird. Then, once school’s out and before the next semester begins (so they can switch schools relatively seamlessly), I’ll go on a motorcycle ride and not return.
It sounds pathetic. But I’m really tired.
Hey, kids. Your mom’s really love you and they’re trying SO hard even if the way they try seems so amazingly lame. They just don’t know what else to do.
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I notice I didn’t say that I tell them how much I love them. I do. I love them so much it hurts…it hurts that I hurt them. And I tell them. All the time.
Hey Mom…
I’m all grown up now, too bad you aren’t around to see it. I got a good job, I got a good man, I think you would have liked him, but I guess I’ll never know.
I don’t know why you left, I’ll never understand it and I’ll never be able to ask. But I’m sorry, I’m sure it was because of me somehow, and how things were difficult when I was a teenager. I didn’t know what I was doing, none of us do, at that age, but me more than others. I’m sorry and I know saying that will never make things any better for me because you just aren’t around to hear it, so I will just keep saying it, over and over again.
Love,
Your Daughter.
Do you think any of that would ring true? It’s good that you know you’ve made mistakes… but it’s early days yet, and your kids are teenagers, that’s a terrible time, and maybe you just need to give them a bit more time to get better before you write off your life. Does your daughter have a condition like ADHD or autism?
Thanks one_day. No. I’ve had her tested and she doesn’t meet any criteria except depression. But meds and therapy don’t seem to help. I would NEVER let them have a clue that I did it purposefully. It sounds lame but I did Better after my mom died. I missed her terribly and still do. But, I was stronger afterwards. At least, for my teen and college years. Yes, I sound pathetic and full of self-pity. And I am. I can’t stand the constant and continual blame and shame I feel.
Congratulations for your honesty. I can say that my mother and I had a very volatile relationship that sounds similar in many ways to your daughter and you. There were times when she hit me, and even times when she told me I should just go and die. Luckily I knew she didn’t mean it, I knew that she loved me and just said things like that out of frustration, because she didn’t know how to cope, even though at the time I did wish I would just die and everyone would go away.
The point is, I grew up, and things aren’t sushine and roses all the time (hardly at all), but a lot of that difficulty is compounded by THE DREAD TEENAGE YEARS and you just got to ride them out… hindsight is 20/20, but you’ll never have it if you’re dead.
All the teenagers who come here saying they want to die… I tell them, at least WAIT until after the dread teenage years. Things really get better when you get all those hormones out of your system. I am going to say the same thing to you: WAIT until after your kids grow out of those dread teenage years, I am sure that is what is making everything worse. Thing might not be perfect, but they will get better, and if you are still not happy, you can reasses later. But for now… just try to ride out those teen years?
Honestly I don’t know why you absolutely have to die on that trip. If your life is ruining theirs and all that vice versa circular stuff and you could just leave and never come back without dying, why don’t you just do that? Pick up your savings, leave on your motorcycle and just live… Do whatever you want; find a new life. Maybe if you do exactly that your daughter will have to pick herself up and stop blaming you for every shitty thing that happens in her life. It usually takes two to tango. I had a shit relationship with my mom at that age. I’ve said things to her that would make someone want to actually die. Now, I can recognize I’ve been a total ****. Some people are just crazier than others.
Really, just up and leave. Maybe one day you’ll want to go back.
I like what Lilou says. That sounds like great advice.
Give yourself a break…send the kids to their father to live with for awhile and focus on yourself. ITS OK TO DO THIS! good Luck and jus know there are ppl on here for you……
Desertjewel, that made me cry. It’s tough and painful, makes you feel lost no matter which way you turn. I don’t have anything awesome to add, just that I am listening.