Mom wants to take a trip

October 26th, 2011by desertjewel

Weird, huh? Mom has not succeeded in giving her kids as much love, support, security, happiness and wants to leave them to someone who can and step out. It seems I’m the source of all the suffering of my children, their father, my ex-boyfriend. My family doesn’t back me up. Even at work, I’m told I’m not that great. Yep. I suck.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. To give my children the feeling of worthiness and love I never felt I had. But I’ve failed miserably. I have a daughter whose room and house is covered in holes. She kicks, bites, screams, runs away. Once every 10 days or so, she acts out. She’s not into drugs, sex or alcohol but she’s so unhappy. She cuts herself. She doesn’t sleep. Every counsellor I take her to says I need to change…so I do. But it still happens. I tell her how good she is. I try not to engage. I’ve given her meds. I leave her alone. But I also ask that she pick things up off the floor…and that’s what caused tonight’s broken door and thrown phone. And I am done. I can’t even ask that she pick up her clothes? Really? Once a week?

I’m a single mother. I have been for the last 11 years. She’s 14 and her sister’s 12 going on 33. Her father sees her about 90 hours a month. I work long shifts but only about 16 days per month. I’m super lucky to be home with my girls so often. My kids are my top priority. In fact, my ex-boyfriend said I was too responsible for them. But I’m all they have. My mother died when I was a kid and my dad and family are not helpful. Their father’s family aren’t either. I brought them here and I’ve always wanted to do whatever it took for them to live up to their potential for happiness.

But I screwed it up in a bad way. I really did. I lecture…ugh. I cry. I get depressed. I’ve said rotten things. I escalate things. I take things personally. I enable. I’ve even slapped her.

So, now I trigger her. My very existence triggers her. And we are all very sad 2 days out of 5 to be living in this house together.

I’ve never had a successful, loving relationship. The man I love with every breath hates my every breath. My ex-husband stuck a finger in my face just 3 days ago to say that I was a horrible person and I am the reason my daughter is so messed up…that’s after I asked that he communicate with me to tell me he would be 16 hours late in picking up his daughters. I am old and pretty sure no man will ever want me. I’m not horribly ugly… yet.

I have been working to “fix” me for 300 years. I’ve made vast improvements in my psyche through thousand of dollars of therapy. But, everyone agrees, this situation is my fault. And, it seems, there is nothing I can do to “fix” it. I am not up to the task. Not if I have to do all the work and not be able to ask that my daughters pick up after themselves. I won’t be walked on. I’m walked on enough as it is.

I think my leaving would help everyone. Their dad would take them in. He’s a good man and they would be okay. I won’t be around to trigger them. I won’t be around to constantly say and do the wrong thing and I would solve the problem of never finding a man who can see my good. I’m pretty tired, anyway. Tired of trying so hard to be a good mom and someone people would love.

It sounds pathetic. Leaving them would put a huge hole in their hearts. I know this. I survived, though. Stronger because of it, actually.

It would have to look accidental. I’ll spend the next few months getting all my “affairs” in order. I’ll let everyone know where everything is. I won’t have a choice about where they would live. They would live with their father and his girlfriend. I will repeatedly tell them all their good and how glorious they are. I’ll write letters. I’ve always done that, so it won’t seem weird. Then, once school’s out and before the next semester begins (so they can switch schools relatively seamlessly), I’ll go on a motorcycle ride and not return.

It sounds pathetic. But I’m really tired.

Hey, kids. Your mom’s really love you and they’re trying SO hard even if the way they try seems so amazingly lame. They just don’t know what else to do.

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