I am sixteen years old. For three years I’ve been rail-roaded with problems. Depression. Self-harm. Bullying. Suicidal thoughts. Everyone tells me “It gets better.” but when I’m lying alone in bed, afraid of everything, I don’t see much hope. Since second grade, I’ve been picked on by everyone from my “best friend” to someone I just met to people I don’t even know. I’ve tried going to school counselors and in all my visits, only once was it not my fault. I got to eighth grade, and I was called a(n) dyke, lesbian, homo, freak, whore, *****, slut, nerd, emo, fag, and many other names. For the record, I did not out myself or was outed as being gay, nor have I even confronted my sexuality at this point. They called me that because I stood up for a kid they also called gay.
In junior high (6 to 8th grade), my first boyfriend told everyone I was a whore. He still tells people that. I had nowhere to sit at lunch, no one to talk to. My friend from second grade wouldn’t be seen with me. I didn’t blame her. (No exaggeration mind you.) I had food thrown at me, I had girls plotting to get me kicked out of the locker room because they didn’t think the “dyke” should be allowed in. That was when I started cutting… I tried, believe me, I tried to get help. I told teachers, student counselors, the psychologist, the principal. No one cared. “It’s a part of growing up. If you can’t handle this, you’re going to have a tough time in life.” I dreaded every day that I had to come to school. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even pay attention in school anymore. My grades plummeted, and it only made me feel worse.
I graduated from Elementary school, and I thought I had a fresh start with high school. Little did I know that my first friend would be the person to betray and violate me in ways I don’t even want to share online. It all started again. I was ugly, fat, a loser, etc. The only bright side was I made some new and real friends. My freshman year, a boy two years ahead of me, shot himself. My friends surrounded me with love and support, now horrified at the thought of me doing the same. The thoughts were still there. I still couldn’t sleep. I still couldn’t eat. I didn’t understand what I had to look forward to.
As my first year of high school neared it’s close, I had survived three suicide attempts, none of which anyone knew about. I got pushed to the edge that I went to school with the plan to end my life. I told my friends I loved them, before the time came, I told each one, “Just remember: I love you.” None of them understood, none took too big of a notice to it, because I seemed better. I saved the best for last. I knew his would take longer. He deserved an explanation. He was always there to protect me. So, I knew that he had to know that it wasn’t his fault. I walked up to him, and I remember he saw me and asked, “Good day today, huh?” I nodded and said, “Yeah..good day.” I opened my arms for a hug, my whole cliche goodbye planned out in my head. But, I choked on the words. I could feel the tears rising as I hugged him. His friend had grabbed his arm, but when he looked back at me, his smile faded instantly. When he asked me what was wrong, all I could say was “It’s not your fault.” and “I love you.”
This phrase has stuck with me forever and anytime I feel low, I remember that people love me, because of what his reaction was. He hugged me tightly and said, “I’m here to protect you. I always will be.” That night, I went home, and I threw away my plans to kill myself. He told me he loved me too, and that I’m his best friend in the whole world. I knew I had a meaning to someone, and I couldn’t just disappear. I know it hasn’t been long, but I feel like I’m a survivor, because of my best friend. He did so much more for me than he could ever understand. I still have struggles with depression, and anxiety, but I am very proud to say that for 9 months, I haven’t self-harmed in any way. I stopped that day. It sounds made up, and you don’t have to believe it. But that’s why I’m still breathing today, and I spend every day thanking him for saving my life.
I know it can be painful, and I know that it can feel like the only thing to do is find a way out. And I don’t know every situation, or every set of circumstances, but I do know that there’s always someone who would be completely broken if something happened to you. Every day of their lives they would remember their best friend, son, daughter, sister, brother, mom, or dad. If you can’t live for yourself, do it for someone who means the world to you, and you to them. Don’t end your life when you have so much left to live for. There’s always millions of experiences out there, and you can’t live them from six feet under.
7 comments
So true and such forsight for someone so young.im glad you’ve found your way through i hope you share your story with other kids…
nice story congrated for living. i have two reason for living my best friend who already lost two people and me lovieth whom i cant leave by death
Life is a struggle. It is just good to know that you did not give up. I know that you kept on living because of those people you value so much, so you kept surviving. It is very admirable. I never tried to end my life but I always wished that I should be gone when I’m hurt or things are hard sometimes. I know for the fact that if I’m gone there are several people that will be lonely. So, even if I am not really happy, I tried to put a happy face and kept on living, because maybe someday this feeling of pain or loneliness will vanished. You are still young and the possibilities are endless. Hold onto that person that seem to value you too. You’ve been through a lot but that just make you so resilient. I understand all your oppression because I experience a lot of bullying too in my younger days, although, I was bullied at home by my relatives so that is the only difference. But I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused that made me so stoic and could not trust everyone. Home is not a safe haven for me so I usually like to stay at the library at school. I hide in their until it is really time for me to go home. So thank you for sharing your experience and keep living.
Thank you for the wonderful responses(: I wasn’t sure about posting on here, but your replies have more than vanquished those reservations. Shinigami13, you sound like such a strong person, and you are, in my opinion, very admirable for what you’ve gone through. For me, hanging on to the people I care about has pulled me through some terribly rough experiences, and I just wanted others to remember that there always is that one person that loves you, and would do anything to make sure you never endure any sadness or pain. I wish you all the best, and stay strong. If you ever need anything at all, I would be more than happy to stay in touch with you, or anyone else for that matter(: Figuratively speaking, my door is always open.
my heart hurts for u. why cant people like us all go to the same school? if i were there theyd think twice before doing any of that to u. most call me violent but i am. im 15 ive been called lezbian slut and awhole lot of other things. dont worry once we graduate we wont ever have to see those twits agian
okay i’m as insane as people you read in the books but…that was the most truthful thing i ever heard. i feel you with the names. the cutting no but it’s so true about thin kabout the people who love you. my reason to live is for someone else. my little sister for instance.
Lost Tears: I would love to go to that school! Maybe there people would have a little f-ing intelligence, and compassion, huh? And thank you so much(: I protect anyone I see being picked on, or anything of that sort, so I would definitely stick up for any of you!
Bloody Witch: Thank you, and I don’t have much to live for in my home life, but my friends mean the absolute most to me, and now the aforementioned friend above holds an even more special place in my heart. I don’t think I could do any of this without him(: He means the world to me, and he’ll always be my reason to stay strong.