I haven’t gone to school for two weeks. Dad dropped me off by the university the monday before last, and i… walked the one hour walk to my apartment. My parents don’t live in town, i was just at their place over the weekend. I don’t know what to say. Hopefully my parents haven’t noticed yet. They do know i’m doing poorly, though… Dad gave me the “we can’t support you forever, so work hard and get a grip” speech again today. But really, i’m just waiting to die. I took a couple of paracetamol based pills yesterday. Overdosed by 3. Not much, i know. Maybe something will happen. Maybe nothing. I am fairly overweight, so it might have cushioned it some. If only i could work… My mom so much as ordered me to find something i want to do, but there is nothing. I’ve never been good with dreams.  I always used to dream, but not that way. Not realistically.
I don’t know what to do. Except to die. And honestly, i wish i’d never been born. I have five siblings. I wouldn’t be missed.
5 comments
I too am going through a stage where school is becoming difficult to attend. It is only first year of university and am skipping classes, althouhg my parents think im doing good…only because thats what i tell them. ALthough this may sound hypocritical, you do need to tell your parents what is going on. If your dad is giving you speeches like that you should tell him how much help you need, how much love and supoport you are looking for.
I can tell you personally overdosing on pills, will not do anything for you. Especially of that small amount, you may develop pain ikn your chest of abdomen and then it will just go away and youre still going to be left with your emotional pain. So please, dont put any more pain on yourself.
You say you used to dream, just not realistically…you should strive for those dreams, no matter how crazy. If you havea change of being happy, or finding peace in your life, GO FOR IT! Dreams are meant to be crazy and even if they do not seem realistic everything is possible.
Do not resort to suicide, you were born for a reason! Find that reason.
Ok, when i say “not realistically”, i mean the kind where i’m physically able to enter the story of whatever book i’m reading and yell at the main characters for being morons, or gloat at them because i know exactly what is going to happen.
I was not born for a reason, besides the obvious biological ones. And… I honestly don’t know what i want. Even if i did, there’s nothing i can do about it.
I am not going to tell my parents. They’d probably just go all christian on me, and that just makes me feel sick.
I understand your pain Purmi. I quit school and my job and my parents are nutcase Christians who don’t understand. This life sucks and does not truly provide opportunities except for the socially acceptable opportunities which I am completely disinterested in. I have unrealistic dreams like you. My favorite life exists in my mind but can never be realized in this reality = ( I hate this world and society. Everyone is miserable but just pretends to be happy for the sake of others. Only the smart ones like us stop pretending and are honest about how we really feel.
You still think you’re smart, despite feeling like this? Wish i did. Of course, then i’d have to bang myself over the head a couple of time and shout for Harry Potter to save me. Thing is, i have my “common sense”, if that’s what you want to call it, screaming at me from every turn. I know what i’m supposed to be, but somewhere, i went wrong.
I did have one “realistic” dream, now that i think about it… I always wanted to be an author. Can’t even finish a fanfic, though. I don’t have the tenacity to stick with a story long enough for it to get finished, let alone turn into decent reading material.
Yea i think I’m smart. In fact I think all of us who are suicidal are much smarter than people who are not. We realize that this life is a joke, a sham, a prison. We know that we are worth much more than what this life has to offer, that we were born for much greater things than what we are living. That’s why we want to die so bad. I think your common sense that screams at you to do the “right thing” is just a lie. There is no right or wrong. Society just says things are right and wrong, but inherently things are just neutral. I think that you are perfect just the way you are, and if you wanna be an author you can try. You would probably have some pretty kick ass stories. But if you don’t want to try, I think that’s ok too =)