Hello,
This is the first time I’ve ever been on this site, and I really felt the need to share my story. Back in 2002 I was in a relationship with a woman. I’ve always been a little quiet, and have had difficulty meeting people. That is due to my own fear and is 100% my own fault. Anyway, it felt really good to be with her. I felt connected for a change, and the fact is before long I truly fell in love with her. The biggest problem with this relationship was the fact that she was a chronic alcoholic. Still, even though I saw the problems in her life, I honestly did love her, and in some way I felt that I could help her. The fact is I felt I needed to help her in any way I possibly could. She had three children, ages 14, 7 and 3. While I rarely saw the two older children, I quite frequently saw and spent time with the three year old. I would take care of her, we would play games together, and she would fall asleep in my lap while we watched her “Barbie” movies. At times it was a lot of work, but I loved every single minute of it, and wouldn’t trade any part of that for anything. I loved her and her little girl more than anything in this world.
One night we went to bed and everything seemed just fine. To make a long, confusing story comprehensible, all I can really say is that one minute we were talking to each other, and she was telling me how much she loved me, and the next she was completely freaking out. We got out of bed, and she started talking about date rape. I was completely blown away. She told me to leave, and I did, because I really didn’t know what to say or do. In the back of my mind I figured we would talk the following day, because it wasn’t the first time she had acted irrationally after drinking too much. An hour or so later the police were at my house and I was arrested for sexual assault. I’m not a criminal, I had never been in any sort of trouble before, and I was completely devastated.
After that all the lies started. She claimed that we had never had sex before that night, that we had been nothing but friends, and that I had been forcing myself on her from the beginning, and acting “weird”. All of it was complete bullshit, but in cases like this, juries tend to believe a woman over a man every time. I fought those charges for more than two years, and I have to tell you it was a real roller coaster ride. One day everything would be looking up, and the very next everything seemed to be in the toilet. So, after 2 years, and after going through 2/3 of one trial which ended in a mistrial, I just couldn’t take any more. The prosecution had offered a “plea bargain” of 2-1/2 to 5 years in prison, while if I lost at trial I was facing as much as 10 to 20 years in prison. I knew the trial was a crap-shoot, and in the end I decided to take the known over the unknown, I accepted the plea bargain. The whole process left me with a deep-rooted hatred for the whole justice system, and the fact that so many prosecutors don’t give a shit about justice, but only about chalking up another conviction.
I spent 2-1/2 miserable years in state prison for a crime I honestly did not commit. The most painful part of that experience was having to “admit” to a crime that I never committed just in order to be released on my minimum parole date. While I live in a state where prison is really not a very violent place compared to many states, and it is a relatively easy thing to get through, it is still a horrible experience that I don’t feel I will ever be able to get over.
So after 2-1/2 years in prison, I spent another 2-1/2 years on parole. I got through that without any trouble, but the thing that really goes against my grain is the fact that I now have to register as a sex offender every 3 months for the rest of my life. That is a hard pill to swallow.
So now I’m at a point where I can’t go back, but I can’t move forward either. I can’t go back to change all the shit that happened in the past, but I can’t move forward because I can’t trust anyone enough to really get close to them. I have one person in my life who I’ve known for a long time, and who I trust more than anyone, and love more than anything in this world. She is my best friend in the whole world, and at the same time I am so attracted to her that I can’t help wishing that we could have something more. She’s my best friend and I never, ever want to fuck that up, and at the same time I want and need to take her in my arms and hold her tight and I want to make love to her so bad I cant fucking stand it! I feel like a fucking piece of shit for thinking and feeling that because she is my friend and I know for a fact she will never share any of those feelings. I feel like such a scumbag.
Anyway, about a month ago I really couldn’t take any more and I started drinking. That fact is I started drinking extremely heavily. It was a Saturday, and by early afternoon I was ready to leave this world. I went into my garage and I attached a long roll of plastic sheeting to the ceiling so that it surrounded my rototiller and lawn tractor. I started both pieces of machinery and sat on the lawn tractor. As I said before she is my best friend in the world and I just had to say goodbye in some way, so I sent her a text message. I said, “I’m sorry. I love you. Goodbye.” Before I even realized that I had sent it the phone was ringing. I felt sickened and in a panic I answered the phone. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I do remember screaming into the phone that I just couldn’t do it any more. I honestly don’t remeber much of what I said, but I do remember screaming at her, and I feel awful for that because I would never yell at her for any reason. I'[m not really sure what she said to put me back on level ground and make me think rationally again, but because of her I turned off the machines, and met the police and paramedics in a calm, respectable manner.
The following day, that friend who means so much to me asked me to promise her that I would never try anything like that again. I love her so much that I had to promise her that. While I honestly don’t know if I truly want to live or die, I do know I have an old-school attitude, and I feel that when you give somebody your word, you have to keep that word and make it mean something. I will never lie to her. so that means I am here for now, whether I want to be or not. All th estuff I’ve been through has given me the opportunity to look at a lot of different things from a lot of different angles. I’m not here to try to talk anyone into or out of anything. All I can say is look at the whole picture from as many different angles as you possibly can, because your potential actions will affect many more people than you realize right now. I don’t know if I really want to live, but I don’t know for sure that I really want to die either. I do realize today that my actions will deeply affect the people I truly love, and while I feel a lot of pain deep inside me, I’m not sure I really want to subject the people I really love to any kind of pain like that.
4 comments
Firstly whoa!
I am ashamed to be part of the same gender as the woman who did this to you. She is a disgrace!
My sister is a full blown alcoholic but she can still tell right from wrong. Seriously WTF that is a cruel *****. And secondly Kudos to you for staying so strong.
That sex offender shit is fucked i would set that ***** on fire! Sorry but that makes me angry
Hey man’ Sorry to hear you had to do 2 1/2 years in prison for something you never did… I can relate to you. last year I also got put in jail for sumthin I never did, I couldn’t get bail and to wait for trial would take 6 months, so I plead guilty to get out in 3months…. the justice system is so fuked! I know the feeling…. you wanna kill the person that put you there. you start to think every one is out to get you……
Could I ask a question…. What makes you think this best friend of your’s isn’t potentially interested in you romantically? Has this been discussed or are you assuming?
I have in the past, assumed… quite incorrectly might I add.
Thank u for sharing…im new here to and already feel safe here, i was down at the bottom, started some meds in july and things are improving …slowly,very slowly…..so like u, some days im ok other days, bad…real bad. Do u feel safe enuf with ur friend to talk to her about your feelings? Sounds like its eating u up inside, n theres enuf to handle already in jus day to day survival….im glad u came here n let some stuff out…