My Thoughts

What are we fighting for now? Where is our solace? What is the point to life? We, as human beings, promote our own self-importance through arts, writings, civilizations, etc, and yet none of our achievements means anything. The more we “improve”, the more we destroy, and although we work so hard and put so much effort into whatever we do, in a hundred or thousand years, we will become anonymous, our achievements will have become forgotten or replaced with others that will soon be forgotten as well. We all work so hard, fighting through personal struggles and climbing over obstacles, yet what is our reward? Soon, all our bodies will disintegrate into nothing and it will be as if we have never even existed. What is the point of all this? Civilization? Humanity? They are all such abstract concepts that do not really exist. Humanity? As if. Humans are bestial and cruel by nature, and without social rules in place, when it all breaks down like it will eventually, everybody will just tear everybody else apart, limb from limb. God? If He did exist, why would he, or HOW COULD he let the world come to this? Good people who spend their entire lives in poverty, children who are born sick and doomed to a slow death, people like me, trapped in our own minds, people who judge and hate others so much…why does the world have to be so rotten and cruel? And my mind won’t let me rest it keeps thinking and thinking about things I don’t want to think about and makes me sad. Who do I go to for help? My parents will not understand (or rather, they will not WANT to understand), friends, no matter how unbiased they think they may be, will always judge, counselors and psychiatrists will just give me textbook answers, all of them which I am so so SO familiar with. I feel like I’m slowly disappearing, one little bit at a time, until now, there is nothing left in that little cavity where my heart should be. I seem happy only because I know that is what other people want to see from me, but inside I feel numb and empty and cold an dead. I can’t rest even when I’m asleep because my mind is always moving going tick tock tick tock. I want to die but I don’t want it to be painful or time-consuming, and I don’t want to damage my body either so a gun is out of the question. Maybe I should use a bag? But what if it doesn’t work and I only damage my brain and end up being a vegetable being or something? Why must I think like this? The words just keep spinning spinning spinning spinning madly in my mind and the only way to turn it off would be through death. But I’m frightened of making people sad, disappointing my parents…and what will happen to my consciousness when I am dead? One day…will this be over? Will all of this be over?