Read this.

October 4th, 2011by iseemassacres

Hi, I’m Mary.

I see things that aren’t there, I hear things when no one is there, I feel people eyes staring at me from across the room. And I’m scared. I don’t want my medication, no, I don’t like it, it makes me feel insane. But am I insane? Who knows, but only me. I have a list on mental diseases, i hate it.

  • Schizophreniform
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Insomnia
  • Paranoia
  • Personality Disorder
  • Severely Depressed

Am I insane?

You would never guess my age, well, I’m only 17. With all this hell. My family was torn apart by death. It all started with my uncle Mike, cause of death; Suicide. Then my little sister, cause of death; Throat clogged. Next was my Godfather dying of cancer, and I found him dead. I was only 8. Next it was my very close cousin Jerry, cause of death; Car accident. Third, my grandfather, cause of death; Suicide. Last so far, the most tragic, my father, my dad, daddy, my best friend. Cause of death; Heart failure, died in my 9 year old brothers bed. My whole family is insane. My grandmother went Anorexic, my aunt attempted suicide, twice. My mom is depressed, I know she hides it, for the sake of my brother having a panic attack. I have broken down many times, slashed my legs, attempted suicide, cut wrist. Everything went downhill. Overall, I’m still living. I know I want too, but sometimes I really wanna see all them people, after years and months of not seeing them. I cant wait until I die, but I will let it be natural. I fought threw the depression, and the diseases. No matter how much they scare me. I see people standing in front of me, just smiling and putting they’re hand out, reaching for mine. Is it death? Am I dying? I don’t care. The scariest thing is hearing voices to me, they whisper, louder and louder every time, saying: “Do you hear me?”, “Are you awake?”, “Do you think your pretty?”, “Do you like living?”, and more. Its a soft whisper, deep voice, I’ve never heard. It sounds like Voldemort to me. Me being bipolar isn’t much of a problem to me, just to my friends. They hate it, a lot. Cause it most acts out when I’m around them. But overall it doesn’t bother me. Insomnia is probably the least of my problems, I just pass out now and then. Paranoia is one of the worst, I hate that feeling a lot. Personality disorder, I haven’t showed any signs of that lately, but when I did, it was really bad. One minute I would be this bad ass hood chick, the next I would be the dumb blond, later I would be the snobby stuck up girl, then I would be this “Gangster” character. Depression is probably the one thing that made me attempt suicide multiple times, and I almost succeeded once, I lost 40% of the blood in my body, they said “One more drop of blood and you’d be dead.” And that’s when I stopped attempting it, cause I seen the pain in my families eyes. The one person in my family who I thought despised me was there crying over my bed as I woke up from the blood transplant. I didn’t know people actually cared about me. Now I am happy, I know the deceased part of my family is resting in paradise, I met a guy, I have friends who care more and ignore my Bipolar Disorder. I am strong.  
Your beautiful, not matter what goes on in your life. Disorders, loss, and everything else, you can make it threw. I did, you can too, no matter how weak, how depressed, how suicidal, just remember theirs someone out there who gives a flying fuck about you. I fought threw my battles, remember to fight yours too. You CAN win, and you will. 
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