It’s amusing how once you have more or less definitely decided to die perception of the world so subtly shifts.
I had something of a (teensy) epiphany earlier today. A ragey thought along the lines of ” fuck the mouse broke again I bought this one two months ago I really can’t afford to waste money on such pointless expenses right now” immediately followed (as far as any thought can be said to “follow” any other at least) by “it won’t matter when you’re gone anyway” .
It won’t indeed. It hit me today but looking back this kind of thinking has been going on for a week at the very least.
I intended to not really start planning anything until this saturday, just live as “normally” as possible during weekdays, keep looking for a job, doing the errands. Give life a chance, not let suicide be the dominant node of my thinking.
Seem compartmentalizing life this way is just not possible though.
My demise rules my worldview now.
Even as I write my mind is fiercely trying to reject the idea at the same time as shuffling possibilities and thinking of methods and variables to take into account.
I held back from buying a videogame last week because I wouldn’t have time to finish it. Should I visit my friend in France one last time? Can I really afford it? Gotta find a place to donate my clothes. And so on.
I am aware that I can afford to be oh-so-detached because the date is still relatively far, as it comes nearer my reactions will probably be less smug intellectualised self-observation and more crippling anxiety and fear but right now I am actually genuinely intrigued.
For all intents and purposes the world has changed before my eyes.
Not to mention that since finding this site I sleep even less than usual too. Could it be empathy? I choose to believe it is, but empathy’s a *****. Not like I needed looking any more scraggly…
I’m so fucking pretentious sometimes. Shame shame.
9 comments
I think your open minded. You looked for a way to deal with the stress and you found it. I think good idea’s wrong intentions. Your right, your mouse is just a fuckin mouse, a tool used to control a fuckin computer that’s prolly giving you even worse ideas. I don’t mean to offensive with that. And donating your clothes, why not everything? Whatever you don’t want. Fuck it their only things. I donate shit all the time. If I don’t like it, it’s gone. I just got rid of one of my XBOX’s cuz I didn’t wanna look at it any more. The game I was playing was pissing me off. So now it’s gone, never to bring misery in my life again. And since then… I just took out my other one and played that one. But I shoulda went out and found a new hobby. But like you, I’m tryin to save money. Otherwise, I think you need to reevaluate what you have right now. Do you really want all that? Does all that shit make you happy? If not then go out, get a stick or some shit, and go fuckin nuts and everything you don’t like. Fuckin destroy it all. Let out that anger on the useless items that keep you so constricted. Only take what you want. All you need is food, shelter, and clothing. Everything else is just shit. So take the shit you want and fuck the rest.
Jus Be Cool
Yep yep. But soon I won’t be able to afford food clothing and shelter. Clock’s a’ ticking.
I grew up in a homeless shelter for about a year and a half of my life. I started moving up in the world from nothing. Moved up from a street curb, to homeless shelter, to friends basement, to tiny trailor, to duplex, to fucked up house, to normal house, and finally to living in a free room paid for by the government. It’s hard work goin from the bottom but maybe you losing everything is a good thing. It sets your priorities for you and then all you can do is move up. And it helps you to start a new life. Go where you want, start from scratch. Live your new life somewhere else and never look back at the old.
You cant die, we need you.
Christ it takes the sweetest, most caring, most valuable person to think about charities for their clothes. Youre worth too much die, to left us to deal with this shit alone. The world must have fucked you over big time, i get tht, but its not so bad as to just abandon it. Its not worth it to you, to take your life and deny you everything you could have and feel and know. I guess uve already thought all that through but what about the rest, the world. Please just email, lauriejohnson1@hotmail.co.uk im here reading this close to tears and all i can think is i just have to at peast talk to you about this so just please, give me a chance and email me.
That would be possible I suppose…but I don’t see that as an objectively easier or better option. Not to mention that one does get tired of slogging through the neverending succession of shame and hopeless loneliness. As time passes I become more withdrawn, unhinged resentful and arrogant. Wishing for rest is not wrong. Any way that doesn’t harm others is alright.
Huh. Heart-on-my-sleeeeeeveeeeeee
I’ll get back on that on saturday I guess. Right now I’m just letting off some steam. It’s not yet time for plans. Weekends are for plans.
Good sentiments are appreciated but right now, alas, the mundane calls, gotta go to the post office send some stuff urgently so be back in a few hours probably.
Lol fuck I have to work on this weekend. Looks like I’ll have to kill myself next weekend…
Aight
Be Eazy
@che
Come on don’t cry for me. At the end of the day, as adverse as the outer conditions often were I have arrived at this point because of my weakness and bad decisions. The responsibility is mine alone. Besides if I have gained something from my little time here is perspective. Most people around here have it far worse than I and have far less control and opportunities than I had. Many others are more deserving of compassion. In fact I feel like kind of a dick complaining about my problems in light of some of some of the stories I’ve seen here.
Your good feelings are very appreciated though 🙂 and they speak highly of how good a person you are.
Be well.