Pervasive thoughts

October 11th, 2011by The Absurdist

It’s amusing how once you have more or less definitely decided to die perception of the world so subtly shifts.

I had something of a (teensy) epiphany earlier today. A ragey thought along the lines of ” fuck the mouse broke again I bought this one two months ago I really can’t afford to waste money on such pointless expenses right now” immediately followed (as far as any thought can be said to “follow” any other at least) by “it won’t matter when you’re gone anyway” .

It won’t indeed. It hit me today but looking back this kind of thinking has been going on for a week at the very least.

I intended to not really start planning anything until this saturday, just live as “normally” as possible during weekdays, keep looking for a job, doing the errands. Give life a chance, not let suicide be the dominant node of my thinking.

Seem compartmentalizing life this way is just not possible though.

My demise rules my worldview now.

Even as I write my mind is fiercely trying to reject the idea at the same time as shuffling possibilities and thinking of methods and variables to take into account.

I held back from buying a videogame last week because I wouldn’t have time to finish it. Should I visit my friend in France one last time? Can I really afford it? Gotta find a place to donate my clothes. And so on.

I am aware that I can afford to be oh-so-detached because the date is still relatively far, as it comes nearer my reactions will probably be less smug intellectualised self-observation and more crippling anxiety and fear but right now I am actually genuinely intrigued.

For all intents and purposes the world has changed before my eyes.

Not to mention that since finding this site I sleep even less than usual too. Could it be empathy? I choose to believe it is, but empathy’s a *****. Not like I needed looking any more scraggly…

I’m so fucking pretentious sometimes. Shame shame.

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