Stuck on the ground

Here we go again.

I was walking home with dark thoughts, thoughts of death. Which is nothing new after all. I wanted to talk to someone so i came here, because i need some support and advice. I had this small fight with two of my friends. And i was so cold and rude to them. I could see my selfish reflect in their disappointed eyes. On the way home i asked my self what kind of person I am. Recently i did some research about bipolar people and their symptoms. Tonight i felt this cold breeze, on half way to my home ,  and realized that i am one of those people. I am bipolar.

I am afraid to ask for help here. Because in my country this not an often lets say “disease”. I can t talk to my mother either because she thinks i am well now. I moved to another town for college, far away from this one. I met new people, found new friends. I enjoy this place and I am happy. But now i am wondering how long is this going to last?! How long it will take me this time to ruin this friendships, to chase away this people from myself .

I wanted to say I am sorry i am bipolar, but i don t think they would understand or would accept this kind of excuse for my behavior. So i just told them  they should let me go, they should not hang out with me anymore. The two of them just turned around and left.

I felt really bad after that, even though i didn t want to show anything in front of them. I hate this. My moods are changing so often and it so unpredictable. One small thing can make me think about killing myself. I want to change this. In one moment I am so excited and happy and in the other i wish i succeeded to kill myself .

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why, it’s coming down, down, down.