Suicidal thoughts

  October 18th, 2011 by seriouslyh

I’ve been thinking of suicide these past couple of months. The feeling comes and goes. The feeling is generally a bit of depression. But no extreme feelings. Right now what I feel is – inadequate in my job, lazy, and not wanting to do things that will excite me. In saying that, i’ve been playing with my bass guitar, and zoning out. I know a little bit about depression and its symptoms – irritability – yes it is there in small degree, and loss of interest in activities – kind of… I still have interests… The feeling of depression comes on more and more the more I dwell on it. Its a self fulfilling thing. And this is where suicide comes in. I have a life insurance policy in place that means my family will be financially looked after. I am the eldest son of 4 sons, and I look after my mum and my brothers. One of my brothers lives with his girlfriend. My dad is alive I think, but does not contact us any more. I have a job that pays above average, and I have a group of friends. The feeling of depression really stems from my dislike of my job. I have made various moves in my career, and feel like I have run out of room to move, away from this job I do not like. Right now, I feel numb. No tears or emotion. I’ve been web browsing on painless suicide techniques. Over the weekend while driving I had a short urge to crash on the highway, which I quickly reasoned away. Anyway, theres more but for now this is my story. I have read stories of high profile people (now well adjusted) such as Stephen Fry, who went through bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. Theres no point trying to hide it away. But I havent told anyone. Noone knows. I’m trying to handle it, and self medicate. I believe depression is a function of your environment. ie my job is making me depressed, and making some changes will change me. Even talking about it and writing about it may take the pressure off.

Processing your request, Please wait....