The path that I call my life.

  October 8th, 2011 by Arashi_kuriyami

I decided to write this to better get my life in perspective. I hope in some small way this little post will make me feel just a little better about breathing and continuing onwards.  Though I will post no names, only a little bit of my history, and as much of it as I can Recall.

I was born july 28 of 1984. My child hood was alright for the most part. My mom and dad both lived in Wisconsin at the time.  My father is a mechanic, and my mother was a factory worker. My dad is an alcoholic, I can’t actually remember a time when he wasn’t holding a can of beer except while driving. I am the youngest of 4 kids. my two brothers are half brothers. i have one half sister, And one sister who is actually blood related. My mom came to the states escaping the Vietnam war. Thats when she found my dad and got married. My sister was planned, However I was not.

Eventually my mother and father got a divorce. I would live with my mother, and occasionally I would go and live with my father.  My dad was prone to violence. Even when he was sober or drunk, that man had a temper. I remember fearing that man, and wondering if  I would live. My mother worked full time, So I never got to see her really. My sister ran away at the age of 16, leaving  just me, my mom and a big empty house. There was no one to cook me dinner. I was a latch key kid I suppose. Damn, looking back I was always picked on at school. I was a pissed of kid back then. Looking back at it now, I remember so many fights. I was picked on because i was different.  I’ve always felt this way. Sorta like I didn’t belong. All my clothing came from salvation army and other thrift stores. Nothing ever really fit me, nore did I really have nice things.

For a while I even found a little bliss, I fell in love with this girl. Never met her in my life, Met her on line and such. For a while i didn’t get into any trouble. Life was good, I spent time talking to her every single day. Until a whole year passed, When i finally had the courage to ask her to be mine. When she said yes, I was the happiest man in the world. Another year would pass after that, when I found out she was sleeping with her X boyfriend behind my back. That crushed me, Crushed me beyond belief. That was the first time I actually felt suicidal. Needless to say I’m still not fully over her. Every once and a while I still think about her. But not in the lover way. More like a fond memory of what i think is the most perfect women in the world, well at the time any ways.

I got in so much trouble, eventually the law put in a group home, and even there i was sent to an institution. I gotta be honest with you, I was pretty out in every emotion. So many feelings swirled through me. Until finally something broke.  I got better, well less depressed anyways. Went to a group home for boys. Went i got home, i couldn’t recognize my home anymore. Funny how things change.  Thats when my mother sent me to live with my brother.

I lived with him in milwaukee, I had only 2 years left to finish high school. My sister at the time was going to Alverno college going for her highschool GED. That when I really fell behind. Just became compliant. i was the rug my brother walked on. Sick and angry about it. I started to stand up for myself. When he kicked me out into the streets. when i returned the next day i found all my things out in the streets.  I don’t know if it was determination, or just blind luck that i finished highschool living on the streets. Makes me wonder what drove me to finish? was it just me being stubborn? Or was it just anger and determination to prove my brother wrong?

Later on I’d reconciled with my brother. Who at this time was going through a rough patch with his wife. The fights got bad. I was working in this little dinner, One morning after a particularly bad fight. I was getting ready for work. I opened the garage door.  There was my brother hanging from the  rafters. I can’t describe the pain i felt. Nore could i recall my family actually getting together for anything. But we did when he died, Funny how death brings people together.

I guess there is where my anger emerged again. Why the hell did bad things happen to me? I didn’t ask for all this crap life was tossing at me. Nore did i want it! that anger burst from me. Angry at everyone. Thats when I found myself on the street once more. Living in an abandon truck in a coal yard, in the dead of winter. i expected to freeze to death. When i met my friends, I lived with them and saw how people simply interact without the bullshit. For a while life was good, I eventually found a job, I did well. for the next 4 years life was good. I was surprised that i actually felt happy.

I found out later that my sister was pregnant and was having a baby, So i came to visit. She gave birth, and then sick. With lupus,  Almost died from it too. I stayed to help her. Thinking that life would be better. Surely my only blood sister would never do any of the things that my family did.  She got sicker, and bitchier too. I Don’t know if its her, or if its me. But i find myself in my room more and more often. not wanting to be around anyone. Tired of being someone elses scrap goat. Finally today, she says she can’t live with me. That my life is just to with drawn from her. And now i got 2 months before i have to move out.

Here is where i am now. I am 28, Feeling like i’m getting no where. In an Economic struggle where its hard to make  ends meet. Still I am breathing, and yet i do not know why? Why do I keep moving forward when I don’t have faith that anything is gonna get better? I’m tired of simply surviving, Tired of bullshit in my life? Why can’t things just go smoothly? Truth be told. I feel as if i am lost. With nothing..I have nothing to drive me but simple dreams. Even those have lost there glimmer.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel they are simply surviving?

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