they say

they say im handling everything so well. they dont see the pain do they? i wsh i could feel something other then this hollow pain. sometimes i just want to press stop so i can breath. the people who love me should give their love to those who need it more. sometimes i feel so ugly and empty and i wonder why God could make someone like me? my counciler says dont stop feeling, but thats what i want to do, stop feeling. she told me to stop trying to wave my pain away and that my pain matters. whay does it matter? faking has become so easy. faking to be okay faking that im not hurting faking that the x on my arm and the cut on my leg was an accident. they tell me im a leader, honestly i dont want anyone to ever want to follow me. i dont even follow my own advice. when did i become such a horrid human being? i dont know. i dont know anything really. i dont know why im feeling this way. everyone is kinda catching on i dont want them to. i want them to think im okay i dont want them to find out the truth.