This is happening

I just want to comfortably, lie down and go to sleep, its coming the day is coming, it almost feels like its stopping I’m fighting this, these feelings every day, time to stop fighting, there is nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, I will never get over the things that hurt me because they will always be there, they won’t go away, it will be the first and last thing I think of everyday… I can’t go on like this is doesn’t get better now, how can it…. I don’t want anybody to think this is the cowards way out, how can it be its so difficult, I haven’t done anything wrong, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not doing this to escape some guilt, I am doing it because the pain inside me.. I need it to stop and living won’t make it stop, so that only leaves this option. I don’t want to get old feeling like this, I am not selfish and I am not a coward I just can’t live like this it is the only way.

When I am alone all I think about is dying, I do want too… Its the only thing that is going to stop this, sometimes I feel alright, but I doesn’t last long, fleeting feelings of happiness, I wish they would stay… I spend all day on my own and if I am not thinking about how to end it, I am thinking about how to fix it, what are the words what order should the be in, there must be something I can say.. To make this different.

I took the vailium yesterday, just before I dropped her off, I couldn’t break down, I could still feel the pain
but I could not cry, it felt worse, I
think, I couldn’t let it out.

What to do? I want to go to sleep, I
want to go home to my bed, lie down and sleep. I am so tired of all of this, I just want a rest, hell
on earth, is life really hell. I sure feels like it

I keep doing this, writing stuff, who’s gong to read it? Who is it too? that’s nearly a week since I decided I was definitely going to do it, I just can’t, I thought I was going to last night, I thought about falling. I want It to be instant, I don’t want a gap time to change my mind, will it be painful, will people regard me as a coward? I am not a coward I just can’t live with the pain inside my mind. Alone all the time literally alone at work, and feeling alone when around people. I miss my little girl so much, nothing can stop the pain of that, what will it do to her, will she hate me will she end up depressed like me, never thought of that before. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to be here anymore, maybe I should just disappear…. She is going to hate me for leaving her she will never understand why I left, why I want to go home to be with her. Will that be different if I am dead, I am going to die anyway, she will feel like I let her down, when I wasn’t my fault. So in my mind there is no difference, I have already left her, so it doesn’t matter if I’m alive or dead. She will hate me anyway
The meds are working, noticed that I don’t get so upset, I can almost think clearly, but the clearer it gets the closer I get, I keep asking myself am I ill or is this something else, there is no reason for this, everybody is hurt……

Its all so cut and dried, there is no point, I can’t keep doing this, I am asking for help the whole time knowing no-one can help me, if the the things that I love are gone there is no point, why cany I just do it, there are so many ways, every morning I wake up the same, every day is more painful than the last, like, the longer you put me through this the worse it gets, I am hanging by a thread. I know I will never be happy in this life, I know its impossible……….

I woke up the feeling the same the same as I always do, there is not a part of my body that doesn’t hurt, am I suicidal, what is the difference between thinking about it and doing it, this new med seems to work, for some reason I can’t get up set, but I still know I’m broken, I still want to go home, this is it, christmas is coming I can’t do it again, what am I to do, I want to give up, what’s stopping me. How do you kill your self? I want to die…..maybe today…

How am I going to get better?….its impossible..
I didn’t do it obviously, why am I so alone, why can’t she see what this is doing to me, I can’t change how I feel I’m not capable of kidding on anymore, I feel different today, I keep failing, I want to die, I don’t want to spend anymore time like this, this is not a life, I had a life, then I got ill, and now its all gone, all I am left with is the pain, its like being selfless was the wrong thing to do, all that time I thought I was doing the right thing. Its just dawned on me I am always going to feel alone, I always was I have always felt like this, bad thongs always happen to me, I’m such a failure. I want to die, just don’t know how to do it…

I feel sick, I can’t see to good, I am trying to talk to someone, I have called karen a few times she doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead what happened to her were did she go, why has she got to make out I am so bad, getting the vallium was easy, now which way, I feel sick.

I think today is the day, I feel better when I think about it, tomorrow there will be no pain, I want to do it today, I don’t want to fail again, everytime I fail I feel more dead inside, I keep doing this, writing talking to myself, am I really this ill….. Why won’t it stop, i keep hearing ‘just do it in my head’ I know it will stop the pain, why is there no other way….

Why does it matter, wether I’m around or not, I am not a good person, somthing is wrong with me, I need others, I can’t do this on my own. Wish there was another way!!

I am going to make sure you don’t forget who I am, I was going to do this gently take some pills fall asleep and hopefully this time not wake up, keep myself intact so you know I just went to sleep, I have had enough it going to be spectacular, I’m not going out like a coward I can’t find a way, so maybe I should lose the fear of it being painful, there can’t be pain more than this anyway, you need to no my pain, you need to know what I am going through daily, so I will show you, once I have found a way. My pain will end… You will be sorry…

I am not doing this to hurt anyone, I am frightened of what it will do to my kids, I hope they will eventually understand, I can’t live with the pain anymore, the things that I have seen the things that will always hurt me, I can’t get those images out my head. Its too much. I want to list them so whoever needs to can understand.

I had everything I ever wanted and now its gone, my children have seen me fall apart. I am not a man, I am a failure My ilness, my depression, is such that I will never get better. I want to die, I have already tried to kill myself, I want to die everyday, maybe I am selfish but I can’t live like this not with this feeling, I can’t change how I feel.. I have never been true to myself.. I can’t go on crying everyday I’m devasted, its all too much now.

I don’t want a life of despair and pain, of living inside my head when it feels like hell, I have had enough. This is my life and I don’t want it anymore.

All you had to do was give me a chance, everything I ever did was for you and them.

Goodbye xx