thought he was sleeping

  October 28th, 2011 by theonewhofoundhim

I entered the room not expecting him to be there. He was sleeping in the chair, I shook his knee to wake him. Then I saw the gun and a small pool of blood. I  looked at his face then saw behind his ear the little bloody hole where a bullet must have gone in. He wasn’t sleeping, he had shot himself in the head. Is he dead? Do I touch just under that hole in his head to see if he is alive? I can’t, I can’t, I can’t touch him, I don’t want him to be dead! My thoughts went to the little one, how do I protect her from this? I can’t, I need help, I need help!! I call for help, help comes I ask if he is dead, they tell me yes he is dead. I cry, I am weak, my man is dead. The little one is put in a safe place to shelter her as much as I can. We gather , we tell her, we pray, she cries and says,”My life will never be the same will it?” I have to answer her and say it will never be the same. More people come, cry and talk. More people come, cry and talk. We honor him, we weep for him, we bury him. We all ask why did he not reach out? Why didn’t we know his darkness was so thick, so blinding to the love around him. So many of us stand each day and wish and want him to come through that door, but he wont. He never again will. The darkness was inside him, it is now gone, he is gone. He thought he was saving us from his darkness, but all it did was take him from us all. Hid little girl is lost, his wife is standing there wondering how to pick up from where he left off. Nothing is better, all are lost. Time to grow old, time to heal, time to once again laugh, all is lost. This decision can not be changed, no making this better, it is final. I would have the worst day together than all of these days without him. If I could only have him back. I need to find peace amongst this chaos, he must find peace amongst this chaos. Peace will bring me back to life, so much of me died with him.

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