Today, someone I know came up to me and said “Hey, a friend of mine just hanged himself last week”, and went on to say that I looked like I might have been thinking of it. He said that he hoped that I felt like I could talk to him about anything if I was thinking of suicide.
All I could think of was how much I hated him for asking if I was suicidal, and felt like saying something along the lines of “You ****, why do you think your other friend killed himself, did you do anything to actually help him? I bet you just said that same old ‘I’m here for you’ bullshit which obviously worked, HUH?”, but instead I sat there and stared off into the distance and mumbled something. I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything.
Which made me realise how serious I actually am about suicide. If I was just looking for attention (side-note: can THIS be viewed as attention-seeking?) then I would be doing something to cry out to those around me, when after a couple of MONTHS of moping around someone finally notices and actually says something. I think that waiting til I’m 27 will only prolong the pain and so in a few weeks I will try an exit bag with chloroform, and if that doesn’t work or if I can’t get a hold of any of the things I need, I will buy a plane ticket to Thailand where it is easy to get a hold of ******** (aka peaceful pill) at a veterinarian. If BOTH plans fall through, then the last resort – dehydration – will come into effect. If it comes to that, it will be a few days of pain but I am willing to make that choice. I don’t want to leave a messed up body from cutting or a body with neck bruises from a noose, or a mangled body from jumping off a building so drugs suit me good.
A quiet death is the one that I want – a death far away from those I know, so that nobody even notices. That way I will be unnoticed both in life and death.
4 comments
WOW now i feel like shit. I don’t know what the fuck your going through so all I can say is “I’m here if you need someone,” which I am by the way, but fuck, bro, I don’t know what your thinking, how your feeling. What you want me to say? “Hey, I hope you fucking kill yourself tomorrow, totally make my day, I’m gonna be fuckin my wife either way. Have a good one, Bro.” Sorry, Bro, but we’re only human, we’re not mind readers. Give him credit for at least noticing there was something wrong with ya. Most people prolly just ignore you, at least he’s tryin.
I made another post a while back and if you read that as well as this post, I think you’d notice that the point I’m trying to get across is that my personality is fucked. I have never had emotional support in my life, so can you imagine the confusion I feel when someone asks me to talk about my problems? Can you imagine the burden I feel when someone expects me to talk about things which are essentially rooted in insanity? The times I have tried to confide in someone turned out badly, so what’s the point in picking at a scab by trying it again? I was not made to be around people, I was made to be a hermit living amongst people – and I’d rather die than keep trying, failing, trying, failing, and sinking deeper into negativity and insanity.
Lol most people like that I like to call alcoholics…
Nah, I don’t like talking about my feelings neither. I mean if ya ask about em, I’ll say what I’m feeling but I’m pretty sure I’m a man about shit. Hold on gotta check on that… Yep their both there, don’t need no one. But otherwise feel free to email me if you really want someone to tell your feelings to for a change. I wouldn’t mind listenin, you sound like a really cool person, mad interesting. Just remember, don’t change for no one.
I agree with TC – he’s only human, what else can you expect him to do? At least he showed concern. I totally understand not being used to having someone there though. It’s like no one gives a fuck, ever, and suddenly someone comes along who might just care about you, and you’re so not used to it that you just ignore them, or be suspicious of them.