The love of my life left our apartment one week before my 34th birthday. Now, a month later, he’s completely disappeared. Changed phone numbers, don’t know exactly where he lives.
Pieces of him and his things are still laying around. I packed them up and sought out his house tonight to give them to him. He opened the door and I fell apart. Crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.
Yes, I was awful to him. I didn’t mean to be. I was in a weird place, stress, work, and way depressed. And he moved in two weeks after we got together. Not a good way to make things work.
Since he’ s been gone, I’ve tried to get around the gaping hole his absence has left in my life. At first I liked being alone, but after a couple of days, I missed him in the morning. I missed the pet names. I missed someone giving a damn about me.
And that’s when I realized — if I were to die right now, no one would know for a good while. And no one would care enough to find out until I’d been missing in action for at least three days. To writ, I fucked up my relationship and the best friendship I ever had.
I feel most days like I”m being turned inside out slowly. I have to force myself not to go by his office, or drive by his house. I can carry on my meetings for so long before I have to jet to the bathroom and cry into a ball of issue before I can regain my composure.
He was the One. My One. And he told me tonight that he will never come back, that he’s over it, that he doesn’t love me. I am still hurting about those words. He doesn’t love me anymore. And yet somehow I still love him and the life we had, which I still have all around me, or the remains of it. What has happened to my life? To me?
I cannot imagine life without him. I cannot live my life without him. I’m not me anymore…half of my identity was ripped out and hidden away from me, without my being asked.
My soul aches and my stomach cramps all day long. Haven’t eaten in a few days. Right now, having just been told over and over that he doesn’t love me, that it’s over…I’m not sure I can do another day like today. I’m a shell of a human right now, living moment to moment in search of relief from what’s eating me inside.
I’m desperate not to feel this way anymore. I don’t know what to do. When I think about tomorrow, and what it will be like moving through all places we used to move together, I get a little frantic.
I want to die. I do not — cannot — see the sun come up on another day of misery, another day of facing head-on the facts that I’m a piece of shit. That I mean nothing to him or anyone in my immediate life.
I just can’t.
5 comments
You can make it through this. Talk to someone; give it some more time.
I just found this site while feeling really bad myself, and registered simply to reply to your post.
I hit a similar situation 1 year ago. It absolutely destroyed me. I don’t know how to help myself now, but i can offer you my thoughts.
It’s the beginning for you and the pain at that moment will be mind crushingly horrendous, I know. My advice is that if you feel that bad, commit yourself into a mental ward and get on anti-depressants asap. You won’t want to do it, but you must. I tried to but I was so self destructive, i just wanted “her”, and couldn’t see any value in anything else. I stopped it all and it was a mistake.
These things may or may not help you, but I’d advise you to stay in at least a month, give the pills time to kick in and request to see a therapist every day while in there, and choose someone you like, don’t just settle.
My biggest mistake was to become a recluse, to focus on the wrong things and id hate to see you make the same mistakes. In your current state, you will be drawn towards mistakes, you must recognise this, you must get advice and council externally and listen to it even when you think it’s all bullshit, and you will.
The sad thing is, it will have to come from you, you’ll have to find the strength inside somehow to beat this down. It is possible that you will stop feeling so hurt by this. It may take several months and take all your energy, in fact, more energy than you really have, but it can be done if you take preventative action NOW.
I would also advise you right now to 100% cut off ties with this person. Asking for help and relying on it will destroy you, trust me. Getting repeatedly rejected by this person will rip your heart out over and over and make you relive this pain fresh time and time again. Don’t do it, i almost beg you, but i also know this will be the hardest bit.
I hope you find it in you to make controlled decisions over this, but I realise it my be impossible.
Take care,
James.
James, thanks for the words. I had a friend sleep over last night and actually got some sleep. In the light of day, I feel no different. I so wish I could sleep a deep and dreamless sleep…but the reality is that this body will keep breathing and moving until life leaves it. That regardless of how bad I feel. Our bodies are disgustingly reliable when we’d prefer they just breakdown like a beat-up car.
The kicker for me is that I started drug therapy (one SSRI, one atypical antidepressant, and some stimulants used to treat drug resistant depression) about 6 weeks ago. Too little help too late.
I do not want this. I do not want this. I do not want this.
But the decision has been made. I’m tired of watching my life from a third-party point of view, and tired of hearing myself say, “This isn’t me…what I’m doing right now…”. What can I do? Put one foot in front of the other, plaster a fake smile on my face.
Feel. Breathe.
This type of pain has a distinct and lingering hint of desperation to it. Nothing I can say will bring him back, so I’m going to make a concerted effort to quit caring.
Tonight, tomorrow night, all I have to do is beat that desperate feeling, get out from under it. At some point, there won’t be a battle anymore, and the desperation and morbid daydreams I’ve been having will go away.
None of this changes the way I feel, and I have to rely on my logic to pull through, not my emotions. That in itself is scary…the logical part that believes in euthanasia, capital punishment, and abortion. My logic makes hard decisions without (as much as possible) emotional bias. If that part of my mind betrays me, I’m done.
Emotionally, I’m effed. Someone was extra nice to me this morning and I completely broke down as she handed me my change. It’s worse at night, although I don’t know why. Last night I did not want to another the sunrise, another day. A little frantic, even., to avoid them. What the hell is that all about?
One day at a time, one night at a time. Who the hell lives like this? I do. Pathetic. But I’d better get used to it…the heart keeps pumping, the lungs keep breathing, and the sun keeps rising and setting. Sooner or later I will come back to life. Easy to say and believe in the light of day. Hard to believe in a dark house, alone, at night.
I will cope whether I want to or not. The trick is staying alive.
Love just “bites” when it goes wrong.
Hook up with some others that have been through the same emotions
Ha ha. The question is where…