well here it goes.

I figured the easiest way to explain my situation is to bullet it out just so people can see the extent of everything im trying to cope with right now.I’m a 20 year old college girl. Dealing not only with pain from the past but now the present jsut doesnt seem to be getting any more worth living.

• growing up i had a bad childhood, my father is an extreme alcoholic who constantly beat up my mother and myself when i started getting old enough to attempt to stand up for myself, her and my younger brother.
• i’ve watched my dad attempt to kill himself twice, once including me physically helping him pull a knife from him stomach when i was 15.
• i’ve been cutting  myself since i was 13 gradually getting more and more severe as i get older and less capable to cope.
• my parents home was recently foreclosed. causing my dad to take up a new profession and move out of state. as horrible as the things are that he has put me through my dad is my best friend. my mother and i have nothing in common and is not someone i feel comfortable talking to. leaving me with no one to lean on.i have one true best friend that has helped me through a lot of this, but now things are different. her new boyfriend hates me and is causing so many problems that i feel i cant talk to her.
• i am currently 3 months behind on my rent and being turned over to a collection agency while still trying to attempt school, work and pay for my schooling out of my own pocket.
• as of a little over 5 months ago i broke up with my boyfriend of more than 4 years. I’ve been seeing the a new person since steadily, and thought i had found the perfect person. but lately ive been hearing two different stories. he’s afraid to commit bc his first and only relationship through highschool fucked him over. and then the second girl he talked to screwed him over again. leaving me wanting to pick of the pieces but hes too terrified to commit. it sounds like an obvious situation to answer to but its not. theres so much to it that would take forever to go into detail. but in summary im terrified to find out the truth if im jsut being used or not.
• In highschool my first relationship and first  person i thought i loved went to a different school. we talked for nearly 8 months. then the day of my birthday i find out hes cheating on me. I call him and the girl answers the phone. He went on to tell everyone he had no idea who i was and that i was some psycho facebook stalker, spreading it across the schools.
• My little brother who im closer to then ever now has had his best friend and anothier friend of his kill themselves within this past year.
• I myself have a attempted twice. once by over dosing. once by hanging. both ended in failed attempts. both before those experiences happended to my brother.
• I’m on the edge right now. ive cut so much and it hasnt done anything for me. im sitting here with a fucking dog leash in my hand waiting to end it all and hang myself. i feel numb to the world. the only thing stopping me right now is the thought of my brother doing the same if he were to find out thats what happend to me.
• please. someone. anyone out there. help me.