October 9th, 2011 by ggtz

Here it is Sunday evening and I’m ready to sleep. The only place I feel at peace. Suffering from a sever case of tinnitus I have to sleep with music playing through earbuds, otherwise I couldn’t get any sleep. Now, this has become a place of peace. Every night after taking Trazodone I lay looking out the window pondering the stars and praying to God to please do not let me wake up the next morning. I don’t know what to do. I’m restless and shying away from any social contact. Even my family has said I’m becoming a recluse. But, I just have no desire to face any one or any situations. The family is becoming more increasingly agitated with this too, and the daughter is mad because I don’t have  any interest in the granddaughter. I just want to be alone, in a quiet place. I often wonder myself whats going on in my head and I cant seem to find any concrete reasons or answers. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for years but that hasn’t helped.  All she wants to do is prescribe drugs and that’s not what I’m looking for from her. But, its not going anywhere. I’m still here, and the same.

I’ve thought of so many ways to end it and wonder what it would be like to be gone. I fear that there maybe an afterlife and if there is it may not be any better than this. I find no answers, and no I don’t go to church (its long story from a bad experience in childhood). Long story short about Church…I ended up cussing god, if there is a god, for putting me into a situation I didn’t understand and still don’t. Because of it, someone I dearly loved died. Was it a warning, or was it a clue for me to get help for her?  I blame myself for her death, and I’ve never been back. I swore that if there is a god, that we going to have a knock down fight when and if we do meet. I have never given up on that thought, and I still feel that way.

Going on daily for me seems to be a painful attribute of this quagmire. I honestly ‘ see any use in it. What is it that keeps everyone else ready to greet another day and do the same repetitive daily crap. This is painful, and I cant cope with it, but what else or choice have I? Die – well I’m not sure after that is any better. If there is something after.  Someone please explain this to me. I’m lost and want better, rto be better than I’am now. What is this all about?  Who do I talk with.  Who can show me a way?

One of these days when I riding my motorcycle getting drunk, I’m going to crash and hopefully it will kill me and NOT hurt anyone else in the process.  Hurt the family by dieing?  I honestly think thay would go on and probably be happy the reclusive, depressed, old man is gone.

Writing seems to be one release for me. So, I thought I’d post one of my many rants. All I’ve got to say is that this world is one f’d up place and I dont see any reasone to say its of any use or good. Seems like a rouge anbd out right sham.

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