Why can’t we just go back..

I’m laying here looking out the window..it’s been pouring all day, and the sky is so dark..you can’t see 2 feet in front of you. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat..hell, I broke my foot and a toe..I can’t even walk. So I’m just laying here staring into the gray outside. I can’t stop thinking about them..about how nothing can bring them back..it was a fiancee and daughter, if anyone reading this was wondering. She was a little over a year old, and the most adorable thing ever..she’d play this peek a boo game with a blanket. I think I made a post about it once before..right after it happened.

Anyways, I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that I could have stopped it. Just a few different choices and it’d all be different. Looking out into the gray outside makes me think of the…barrier or whatever of life and death..what’s on the other side? I mean I know what I believe but..I’m still just so damn scared of it..I know I won’t ever see them again…dying won’t reunite me  with anyone but maybe the pain would stop. That’s what I tell myself everyday but still I just lay here and waste away.

Pain is a weird thing…no matter if it’s physical…broken bones…or emotional..a lost family..all you wanna do is go back to before it happened and stop it…but you never can, you can never go back and avoid it, or fix it.

So all i can do is lay here and let it hurt, because, no matter how badly you want to, no matter what you would give..you can never go back..