I don’t like talking about my problems because it always makes me cry. I don’t want to see a counselor because talking to one won’t solve my problems, it’ll just make me think about them. But I suppose they’ll help me find a way to cope with my feelings better.
And I’ve just had it rough from last October to this year’s October. A whole year of financial instability and no place to live. I’ve been living under someone else’s roof and abiding by their rules and cleaning up after everyone else’s mess and hardly having the energy to even take care of myself at the end of the day. I have lived with my in-laws and I’ve lived with my husband’s friends.
I’ve just had it so rough, and people tell me I shouldn’t complain because the only thing preventing me from having my life the way I want it to be is ME, but I have so many obstacles to overcome. I feel like I’ll never have financial stability again, I’ll always be at the bottom of the financial ladder and never enjoy the luxuries of life. I may never go to college and I may never own a house until I’m 40! I just want to not have to worry and live paycheck to paycheck. And it feels worse knowing I’m a parent and I should be responsible, I brought this life into this world and I can’t take care of her financially.
But heck, if I want to go apply for jobs or even actually get a job, I have to take her with me – and if I land the job, I have to find the babysitter and it comes out of the money I make. I know we share expenses as a married couple, but I will still not be contributing as much as he is because part of my income goes to a babysitter and he’ll still hold it over my head that he brings home the bacon, he’s the “breadwinner”
I’m just so tired, you know? Not physically exhausted, just tired of life. All the pleasure in my life has run out of me, my daughter is my shining light, she’s my lifeline. I would have killed myself that night if I hadn’t thought of her. I was going to jump off the overpass, but I got scared of coyotes. Imagine, I was going to kill myself but got scared along the way an animal might maul me to DEATH. I was so serious a long time ago, I was going to buy a will, I had a suicide note written and hidden until the day I’d set it out for someone to see and know where to look for me. Another time, I almost purposely ran myself off an overpass, I was going 80 and approaching a curve but wussed at the last second. I went to the nuns convent by the nursing home, but I got scared they would make me commit myself to a hospital, so I left.
It’s been a very radically emotional time for me. Troubles financially, our marriage has taken a toll from our financial problems, my social life is almost dead, and my in-laws hate me. I just don’t know how I can ever improve my life, I feel like I’ll be like this forever. Always scraping by and watching others succeed in life and I’ll never catch my break. and I’m wondering if my husband is worth sticking around for. he’s so financially irresponsible sometimes, I don’t want him going out and buying shit that we can’t afford towards the end of our paycheck.
I don’t expect you to give me this fantastic advice, if you can’t think of what to tell me exactly, that’s fine. Hearing me out is the best thing you could do for me.
I worry sometimes that I’m going to follow through with my sick thoughts, but I know in my heart I won’t- for my daughter. I couldn’t let her be babysat by my mother in law while my husband goes to work or have her call my husband’s new woman (if he ever re-marries) “mom” or have her miss me when I’m gone and call out for me or cry for me. That’s what makes me the most sad, that’s why I don’t want to do it. She truly is my lifeline. at the same time, I would have no problem finding a job, going to college, working, and so on if she weren’t around. I love her, but life is so much harder with a child because you’re always putting their needs first. We were stupid and planned her. Not that I regret her, but I wish that we would have waited until we had some education or a house.
The fact that he would think I was some disposable part of his life, divorce? We have loved each other even when we weren’t dating. He might have been my first true love, it was love at first sight. I kicked him like a dog and broke up with him when we were young and just dating, but he came back for more. His persistence was cute, and then it was more. It was true love, always. He was there when I would ***** about my boyfriends and he was there in every rough time I had. He told his buds at college that he couldn’t finish that someday he’d marry me. and to think he would think to kick me to the curb. it hurt. I’m glad he was just saying it in the heat of the moment when he was mad. he took it back 10X over when he and I spoke again. He said it was like losing me when I left (I was going to jump off an overpass), he thought I was a goner. We’re fine now. We’ve reconciled. He was just angry, for whatever petty reason. We’re married, but we don’t see a lot of each other. Things will hopefully get better in time.
5 comments
Isn’t this site a good palce to vent ?
Raed your post. kinda long, hang in there, paycheck to paycheck is tuff, ur not alone
Thanks for reading it all the way through. It was long, wasn’t it?
Lol If your in-laws do like you THEN there’s something wrong
I’m glad you two got back together. Some people I know will get divorced over the littlest things. Some people just don’t get love, they don’t understand that some days they can only put in 25% or even less into the relationship, you both can’t always fill the full 50/50. And there will be those days when your loved one can’t fill the whole 75% on his own so you’ll be going with a half cup of love. It’s up to you two to decide if the cups half empty or half full…
And for your financial problems, you two just have to hang in there. Everyone runs into those problems a few times in their life. Sometimes, even if we can’t afford, you just gotta give yourself a day off.
Money doesn’t bring happiness…
People often say things they dont mean when they are hurt. I hope you can let it go because if you can’t, that baggage will be the demise of your relationship. You’re doing good though, real good.