A pathetic apathetic nihilistic pretty man

  November 21st, 2011 by tphg

I had a good two weeks; today(just now actually) that  drowning/suffocating feeling started creeping back. Back to the realization that I have nothing in this world to really hold onto, to tie me down. I feel like dying, like laying down.

I moved out of my dads buddies house and am pretty much homeless. My stuff is neatly stacked in my moms living room(4 boxes, crate of records) and I sleep on the couch. I say homeless cause my mom is my mom and if she weren’t my mom then I wouldn’t be the way that I am today. She’s volatile to be around (usually, I can only tolerate her when I’m not sober), unless you can mesmerize her with money.

Changing jobs at the end of this week for no particular reason. I decided that, in celebration of putting my life in flux, I’m going to change my last name. I’m done with my parents, with my family; the only one I really love is my little brother.

I don’t feel anything for anyone because I know how futile it is. They all want something from me, the fuckers. I’m maxed the fuck out.. maybe I’ll record that rhyme tonight.

What the fuck is excitement? People have been asking me since I announced my departure from this office, asking if I’m excited. I’m just changing jobs, changing shackles; not taking any break or anything, just jumping into it. What the hell am I supposed to be excited about? It’s the same ole shit cause my body’s too afraid of new shit. The only excitement I experience is seeing others when they don’t see me.

Watching someone work, or eat a cup of noodles. Watching walkers walk, scoping great cleavage; simply seeing people peopling. That’s all the excitement I can handle, otherwise it’s stained armpits and stomach cramps from my friend mr. anxiety.

I shouldn’t complain about those things. It’s all within my grasp to change, I’m just not man enough. Will I ever be? I could talk to my mom and try to have a heart to heart but I really don’t give a fuck about the *****. Is that how I really feel? I want to help my brother and to do that I have to help her. I don’t want to see her suffer, out on the street destitute, but she’s a worse leech than I ever was. At least I realized what I was doing and curbed my behavior. She’s still an unenlightened psychopath. My mother, the car..

feeling random, very random.

 

find an apartment

register for school

It’s all I have to do. Just go find myself an apartment and register for the part time electrical engineering program. Cheap enough rent that I can buy groceries for my moms house every month and help with the hydro bill so my brother doesn’t freeze. It’s brother and I like I’ve been saying for the last 2 months or so. Just take care of him and you and that’ll be enough. It’ll give you something to do and what you’ll be doing is good because that kid needs support. Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school, Find an apartment, register for school..

 

that’s it.

fuck friends

fuck family

fuck women

fuck swag

fuck everything that doesn’t get me where I want to be. Only my brother and I.

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