All Hope Is Gone

I’m still pretty clueless when it comes to women. I just don’t understand them. I can ask them out, but the whole relationship part I can’t do. I’ve told her I changed and then I opened up to her to damm fast. That’s when everything fell apart in my view of it all. I cried to her and told her I was sad all this shit. She then broke off whatever it was we had and said she just want to be friends. When she told me that I could surely tell you that my heart just sank to the bottom. It was like if the girl of your dreams grabbed your chest, tore your heart out, stomped, spit, and threw it on the dirty ground and then put it back into me. I don’t think I could explain how much that hurt me. I have loved her since the day we first met. I did do something that hurt her a year or so ago and I called her a *****. Yeah, I was a real fucking asshole. I felt so bad that I had to go to therapy. So fast forward to today and I screw up again. Bravo! I have this nagging voice in my head(call it conscience) and it just tells me how stupid I am. I never think and that’s my main problem. I just wish I could make her happy, but I can’t. I just fucking can’t make anyone happy these days. She says she is happy when she is with me, but I can totally tell she wants to be with me only so that she doesn’t hurt my feelings. Yeah, I’m a very sensitive person, but I could easily tell she wanted to leave and go home. There were times where she would climb across the seat next to me and kiss me over and over again. So you can see how this is confusing to me. I am most certain it was my fault that this happened. I just opened up and spilled my heart out to her and do you know what I got? I got rejected once again. Do you know how hard it is for me to want to be friends with her after we had that stint of romance? It’s torture. I have so many emotions running through my head and that causes me to get headaches and all this other shit. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t. She was my last hope and now all hope is gone. Say what you will..my thought is staying the same. I gave this life one hell of a run. I tried. That’s all I’m going to say…I tried.