blah; that’s how I feel.

Some of you can probably relate.

I’m a friendless, lazy dumbass. Who was suicidal….

I’m not a lazy person by nature, nor am I really dumb, but that’s how school makes me feel like, what with all these low grades, and the constant reminder to do better and the uneeded pressure from parents and teachers. I just don’t give a shit about some of the classes at school, like math and history and chemistry, they are sooo boring, and I just dont bother with it–atleast I try not to, but It’s hard to not be bothered by all the work schools pile on us, which are mostly useless, boring information that won’t help you in life. Maybe if they taught us properly, we’d care more, but they don’t.

 And then were taught to believe that you will be nothing in life if you don’t do well in high school, which furthers into the next step: Higher Education. We go to universities/colleges to find a job, but look at all the unemployed kids who’ve spent years studying and learning their asses off, who are deepy so in debt from paying TO LEARN, when learning should be a free thing… does it not sound ridiculouse that we have to spend so much money on higher education or is it just me? In some parts of the world, like Sweden, you are PAID to learn, that’s pretty sweet and in some parts its just free. These people have got it right. 

 And on the flip side, we have those who find successs in doing what they like to do, who educate themselves, not being robots following these school system bullshit and are REALLY living and are passionate about what they do. Maybe I could be like that, maybe I could find my own way without all this school nonsense and all this pressure, but what would I do? I can’t really think of much, I guess I like to write, but could I make a living out of that? Why not! People are doing so many little, and even fun things that they get good pay on. Maybe that’s the secret to success and self-fulfillment, doing what you love to do? Weather you’re good at it or not, passion will make your work improve and move you.

Anyways, I’m talking about just high school, I hear its different in College/University, cus you pick what you learn and there are so many options, but to get to there, we have to suffer in high school. Which makes us just hate learning…

Friends.

I have literally zero friends. Well I had one, but we awkwardly stop contacting and talking to each other, I’ve rarely seen him since we came back from summer break, and it feels as if we are avoiding each other. Last time we stopped seeing each other, I was the one to reconnect us and I don’t feel like doing it again, making myself look desperate, I feel the onus is on him, if you know what I mean?

 I wasn’t always friendless. I believe a big part for my lack of current friendships and close bounds, is because I was depressed two years ago, then I  found this online game, a virtual world where you meet and talk to others. Slowly, I began to go on this more and more, I didn’t know it then, but its clear now that it was an escape for me from this world into another one. And so, I began to make friends online, close bounds and everything. In a way, I found myself being the REAL ME; a fun, talkative, caring, friendly and just a really social person, I guess that social side is in all of us. Anyways, I became me in this virtual world, and I become a disconnected, unsocial person in real life. This just showed me that, we are social animals, we truely are, and we need people to talk with and be-friend and if we arn’t getting this, then we will find another way, like for me it was this virtual world. So I decided a few months ago, to lay off the game, and let the old me come back into reality, and be more myself in real life. Maybe this way, I’ll have to be more social and maybe i’ll even regain my social skills.

Besides, this is my last year of high school, and I feel like I have some good things to look forward to. I feel like there will be so many other people to meet, people that I have things in common with, people that I feel easy around, because boy are there a lot of  kids in high school who are just obnoxios or think they are above it all, or both.

I’m 17 now, and my last four years have been legit hell, I was so depressed and I really lost myself. There was one point I wanted to commit suicide because I just couldn’t take it all, but I didn’t do it, mainly because I’m too chicken too and also, I think it would damage some peoples lives, for a long time… And I would hate to see any one suffer because of my choices. But I feel like we need some hardships in life, we need to feel bad sometimes, to know what happiness is. We all want to be happy, but if we were happy 24/7 would we really know what happiness really even is? No. So I’m going to remind myself, that life is a rollercoaster of emotions, and its cool that way because I get to crave and know what happiness is.

I’m a huge procrastinater, but I think that’s only because I don’t feel like doing it, but when I get down to it, I get the work done and if I don’t oh well. I’m going to try and not care that much about weather I fail a test, or class, because that’s very little on the big picture of my life and there will be other chances and it seems silly to get so worked up, I bet I wont even care about it in a few years. Yes isn’t that easy, and we need to find a job and stuff, but there are countless ways to live and I’m going to explore my options instead of letting silly things like grades get me down. I also worried too much about the existance of god, does he really exist? And if so am I a bad person, will I go to “hell” for doubting him? I think if there really was a god who made us, he’d be happy with us, no matter our doubts and mistakes we’ve done, as long as we are a good person and are true to ourselves, I believe any one who is fair and has their morals right, no matter their believe and religion should, and will go to heaven. I think that’s why some of us fall into depression, we over think things and worry too much. I’m going to buckle my seatbelt on this thing they call life 😉 I’m ready to cry, laugh, smile, frown.

I wrote this just to put my thoughts on paper and organize them, and I feel much better now, cus earlier I was overwhelmed with emotions and school work thoughts. I also hope it inspires even one person to see a brighter life for themselves. We all have problems, and somethings we just can’t change, like I’m hoping stopping my addiction to the virtual world game well help me regain social skills, but some kids have other problems that stop them from doing that, but even though life seems hard and confusing, we can’t give up on it, dont you want to see what will happen and how things might change around?

-obnoxious jello