While I am perfectly capable of writing some poetic, deep, artful little essay about why I want to die, I am not going to. Death is not beautiful, it is not poetic, it is not some great adventure, and to write in prose suggesting as such would seem wrong. For the past three or so years I have tried to tell myself that there is a reason not to do this. I’m not about to share any personal details (other than that I am not in school/college, and am old enough to do this sensibly). Over the past three years, I have tried medication, therapy, changing my lifestyle (I have had more than my fill off drunk and drink problems), and if anything things have just gotten worse.
I have selected a method (nicotine poisoning) and really I am only waiting for the solution to be ready. As a smoker, I’ve decided to triple the recommended lethal dose and throw in a dozen or so patches as well, It might be overkill but I want no room for error this time.
My one regret is that there is no way to make this look accidental, though I am fairly sure even if I did those close to me would know the truth anyway. As such, there are a few things I am setting out to do before I go:
-Write a note to my brother.
-Write a note to my mother and father (who I have not spoken to in a long time, due to certain events in my childhood).
-Write a living will (there are a few things I want done at my funeral, songs I want played, people that must be welcome to attend, and I swear if they bury me I will haunt their asses – though considering the way I’m going cremation seems fitting anyway).
-Phone my ex-fiance, and thank her for giving my life some degree of happiness for at least a short while, and to apologise for how I treated her when my addictions were at their worst and our relationship came to an end.
-Tie up some other loose ends.
I’m not really sure why I am writing this, I guess I just needed to be able to actually say it. I’m not afraid of death, but of the consequences my passing will have for those I care about. This will come as a surprise to many of them, and to a select few it won’t at all. They at least, will know the pain I have endured for far too long, and will (I hope) understand.
4 comments
You know, I’ve tried nicorette patches, waited for an hour, when felt an adrenaline rush n started to vomit.I wanted my heart to stop, but it didn’t.I don’t believe nicotine poisoning is a lethal method.On the other hand, I didn’t try to put nico patches and to smoke together..I’ve read this can cause a heart attack.
The patches are just a top up, apparently they don’t work because they time release it. It’s making a solution out of tobacco and drinking it that should do the trick. I just want to be extra sure, considering I am fairly sure that my nicotine tolerance is pretty high.
Three times the lethal dose even without the patches though, that should do it.
I’ve read liquid nico is hardly bearable, I dunna…then maybe to inject it, but I’d be afraid to do it.
I’m thinking about splitting it, injecting some and downing the rest. I’m gonna mix it with some strong tasting alcohol (whiskey?) and just do it. To be honest the taste is the least of my concerns, as long as it works.