Despite Having Been Badgered…

  November 28th, 2011 by jessie209

…I’m posting again.

This morning, I was at church. And I sat for the longest time, hoping and praying someone would ask me, legitimately, how I was doing. One lady did, but went back to her reading before I even answered. I said that I wouldn’t kill myself tonight if someone asked me.

Tonight at the service, our temporary pastor was announced. And he’s a sweet guy… His message about world missions really convicted me, because I started thinking about all the people I could reach if I’d just live and go. So after service, I literally ran after him to catch him before he walked out. I asked if he was leaving, and he said yes but that he had time. I couldn’t find the words to say. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I just wanted someone, anyone, to help. He, knowing none of this, bade me to follow him into a Sunday school room. And I swear, God spoke through him. I told him the bare scrapings of how I felt and how I wanted to die. And he scratched every itch, even the ones I never told him about. He was so nice and understanding… Not what I expected at all.

I have to keep going. For the sake of all those people in Uganda and Sudan who are depending on me. Is the pain worth it if I can reach them? Keep them from going to hell?

God knows how this ends. If I end up killing myself, then He has already formulated a plan B. I trust God. I love Him. And I’ll serve Him as long as my pain threshold holds out. But I don’t have much fight left in me. It feels like I’m drowning, and I’m too tired to keep swimming…

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