…I’m posting again.
This morning, I was at church. And I sat for the longest time, hoping and praying someone would ask me, legitimately, how I was doing. One lady did, but went back to her reading before I even answered. I said that I wouldn’t kill myself tonight if someone asked me.
Tonight at the service, our temporary pastor was announced. And he’s a sweet guy… His message about world missions really convicted me, because I started thinking about all the people I could reach if I’d just live and go. So after service, I literally ran after him to catch him before he walked out. I asked if he was leaving, and he said yes but that he had time. I couldn’t find the words to say. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I just wanted someone, anyone, to help. He, knowing none of this, bade me to follow him into a Sunday school room. And I swear, God spoke through him. I told him the bare scrapings of how I felt and how I wanted to die. And he scratched every itch, even the ones I never told him about. He was so nice and understanding… Not what I expected at all.
I have to keep going. For the sake of all those people in Uganda and Sudan who are depending on me. Is the pain worth it if I can reach them? Keep them from going to hell?
God knows how this ends. If I end up killing myself, then He has already formulated a plan B. I trust God. I love Him. And I’ll serve Him as long as my pain threshold holds out. But I don’t have much fight left in me. It feels like I’m drowning, and I’m too tired to keep swimming…
2 comments
God bless you, jessie. Your story has touch me. I feel that when I speak as well with my family, they will be understanding. It is definitely hard to talk about what hurts us deeply. It is so tender that a word or a touch will provide pain. I am glad you also finding your goal in life. I believe helping others is a noble pursuit, and if you wish to embark into it, I wish you well.
Having a goal in life can save you. I wish you well.