Does Anyone ever Wonder?

November 26th, 2011by TxDriver

I am trying to make it past Christmas, maybe New Years, so my grown kids aren’t left with that kind of memory during the holidays. I may not make it much farther than that though. I was gone most of yesterday, until after dark, didn’t tell anyone where I was going, yet I never got so much as a text message or call from anyone. That is not my normal routine, and my family and a couple of not so close friends know how much I am hurting, so that was just one more thing that tells me I really have no one in my life who cares. When I finally end it, there is no telling how long it will be until someone actually reports me missing. Oh well, no surprise in this sorry life.
This board is full of people, hurting, and so deep in pain that death is a welcome solution. I’m not trying to push God or religion on those who don’t believe it. For those who do though, I wanted to know if anyone else has ever asked themselves the same thing I do? Why does God take people who WANT to live, yet those of us who hurt so badly and just want the peace death will bring are stuck here unless we take our own lives? I saw a young Mother in WalMart the other day. She was bald, very thin, and had bruises on her arms from IVs and band aids on her face probably to hide the sores that were most likely a result of radiation treatments. Now here is this obviously sick woman, out in public, had her 2 sons who were both too young to even be teens yet, buying Christmas gifts. This woman hasn’t given up on life or her boys. She is brave enough to go out and do what needs to be done for her kids, regardless of what she’s going through. She is a fighter and not giving up, that much was obvious. Now I’ve seen what chemo and radiation can do to a person. Sometimes it prolongs a life for a little while, sometimes it shortens it even more. This woman has a life, young kids who love and need her, maybe a loving husband. She may see a miracle and live to raise her boys, but what if she doesn’t? Why doesn’t God take people like myself who no one cares about, who is just a burden of misery to family members, and spare someone else’s life who would give just about anything to be here? I’ve always heard, for those that believe, to commit suicide is to be condemned to hell for all eternity. Now God has the power to change lives, yet He leaves some of us drowning in sorrow so deep we see no other way out than to take our own lives. If God was such a loving, merciful Being, then why leave us here to hurt and basically sentence us to Hell because He would rather see us suffering here than call us Home? I just don’t get it? I would trade place with that young Mom in a heartbeat if God would allow it. That way she could live and enjoy the life she’s been given, I could go Home and wouldn’t be going to Hell for killing myself. Why doesn’t God save us from that kind of eternity and give someone who wants a chance a gift of life? It is just so messed up and the more people tell me God cares, the more I question all of it? I would love to see Heaven and all my past family, friends, and loved ones, yet God has abandoned me and I am left with this pain of loss so deep that there is just no finding my way back from it anymore.
I hate this life, I hate what God is doing to me. I just wonder why He can’t show just a little bit of mercy and take my life instead of leaving me here to do it myself? I feel like I’m being punished here then I will be punished in the next life for what I’m going to do. Maybe I can ask Him when I do leave this world and hopefully get the answers I feel I deserve.

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