dont think i can do it but im so weak

  November 6th, 2011 by Kgalalelo

anybody out there i understand exactly how u feel. I come from an abusive but religious home. my father has been physically and emotional abusive my mother who in turn takes it out on me maybe it makes her feel better. my older brother just got released from jail for murdering one of our neighbours 11yrs ago. i was raped at age 19, got pregnant a few months later then aborted my child( i regret it since but now dat i think abt it, i wasnt in a fit state of mind then so i’m hoping God forgives me someday). i quit my job coz i absolutely hated it so bad dat i used to cry everyday on my way to work. lately the thought of suicide is on my mind all the time, i pray about it, dream about it and i plan it to the last detail but when i’m abt to do the act i chicken out all the time. i think of dis guy i love with all my heart and i see how devasted he will be if i do it. he says i neva loved him if i kill myself but he doesnt understand how i feel. i guess i scare him as well and myb he wants to help me but after all the things i said in anger i dont suppose he will ever forgive me. he stopped taking my calls and now all i want is to hear his voice.

what people dont understand is dat once dis dark hole has gotten u there’s no way out. and these voices outside my head they dont want to go away and i cry all the time. i wish things would be different and i could get away.

its not dat i dont believe in God i just want all these bad feelings to go away. i dnt feel like i have any strenght to fight anyone.

i dont think i’d do it coz i just want to be happy but he leaves me and never talks to me then its really over.

he makes me happy and whenever im with him my problems disappear and i feel loved, appreciated, cared, sexy, desirable and worthy.

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