effects

I think about suicide just as much as I think about a lot of other things. I imagine what effects it would have on my family, my husband and my toddler. She would say, “mama! mama!” calling me about the house and my family would have to tell her “mama went bye-bye”, and how sad they would feel to have to say that. And my parents, to have raised me all my life, spent time and money and love to shape me to be the being I am, just for me to waste my life. She was going to get her tubes tied, but changed her mind at the last minute. She might think that she wished she hadn’t done so, just to save the pain of losing me. Sometimes I would wish that there was a way I could run away, just disappear, but would that be worse? To abandon everyone? They would despise me after a long time of my being gone. I wish there was a way to fix my problems. My husband is in the same boat as I am financially, but he’s not suicidal. There’s just something wrong with my mentality that leads me to believe that the only solution is suicide. Maybe I just feel more pain than he does- or that I can’t cope as well.