I’ve been where so many of you are now. Sixteen years ago, I was mad, sad, confused and 15 years old. Being 15 sucks. A whole lot. I tried killing myself twice back then. Once with pills, another time with a plastic bag and pills. I didn’t even end up in an emergency room either time. They were very weak attempts. But, I made it to 16…then 17…then there was college and things did eventually feel better. I made new friends, got drunk once in a while, discovered I had a talent for photography…then things got worse when I was 21, then better at 23, then worse again at 26. It’s what depression does. Now at 31, I have a much better understanding of it; for that I’m grateful. It’s a sickness that I’ll always have with me. It’s also a sickness that could kill me.
I’ve been trying to get better. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I’m not living; I’m existing. I want to do more. I want to see more. I want to get married and have children. I want to be there when my best friends get married and have children. Having the will to do all this and to keep going is hard sometimes. Especially when you keep hearing yourself say, “just do it, just do it…”, you start doubting that you can get past it. I know that if I even tried and failed at killing myself, I’d upset a lot of people. I don’t want to do that to anyone.
My friends have sat me down and told me how much I mean to them. They’ve made me promise that I won’t hurt myself and that when my thoughts take me in that direction, that I will call them. It doesn’t matter what time of day or where I am and where they are. I just have to call. I really do struggle with reaching out and I’ve never found it easy to talk about myself with others. It’s so hard to keep going some days but for now, I do it for them. If I’m lucky, someday I’ll be able to say that I keep going for me.
I started taking Wellbutrin about a month and a half ago and it might actually be working, which for me is kind of scary. I thought that there would never be a medication that was going to work and that things were just going to keep going downhill. I also never thought that I’d be able to talk to a friend about how I’m feeling and have them do nothing but listen. They’ve never judged me, or told me I was stupid for feeling how I felt. They just let me cry and they held me and told me that I am an amazing person. That I’m a beautiful person. That I deserve better. I can’t really see what they see, but I know they’d never lie to me. So I choose to live and I struggle everyday to ignore that fucking voice that tries to taunt me into doing something I shouldn’t.
1 comment
I had good results from Welbutrin for about 12 weeks then I became very suicidal. For the 1st 10 weeks I was amazed at my ability to read a book.
The ability to read and remember a book is something that most assume every one can do. It’s not. The Stratera molecules that are present in Welbutrin were what probably did the trick.
I hope you continue to get better.