Glittering Blackness

It’s not fair, I was actually beginning to feel something and now it’s gone. I was really trying, and then it just began to crumble down just like everything else in my life. I don’t know how anyone is supposed to live with this and “move on” and keep on trudging through life.. What’s the point in that if I’ve felt bad for majority of my life. I’m holding on to my last few threads of hope and I’m holding really tight.. It’s my last stand.. but that’s the thing I always have a last stand.. Whenever I see the smallest glimpse of hope, I seize it. This may seem silly, but if it weren’t for my dreams I’d really be nothing, not that I already am.. but I’ve been having fun in them especially with her. I don’t know what is, but for the past two weeks I’ve been almost somewhat excited to sleep.. I guess it’s because I’m in control. I feel like I’m lucid dreaming, maybe it’s the lack of actual sleep I’m supposed to be getting. Having to deal with this struggle has been draining me beyond belief. Reality is killing me, so I’m living through my dreams now. The thing is I only don’t actually sleep I just take naps, but not during the right hours, I went to sleep at noon today then after a few naps here I am now and the sun is no longer out, I’ve truly become nocturnal. Cool I guess, but my “sleep” schedule almost reflects my life.. I see the sunshine for a few minutes a day, then before I know it.. I’m back in the darkness. I feel so weak too, in addition to feeling so bad.. I don’t even have the physical strength to cry anymore even writing is becoming physically draining. I can’t even clearly think straight right now.. while I’m awake I’m incredibly drowsy and clumsy.. I’m such a fucking mess, I hate this.