Happy Deathday

  November 15th, 2011 by Rob_

I have no desire whatsoever to give my life story so don’t worry. It seems like most people on this site either want to get help or give it. I don’t want either.

Instead, I want to talk about irony. Does anyone else feel strange that part of their potential (self-inflicted) murder weapon comes in a festive box with smiling kids on it? I have this dark urge to air up a couple colorful balloons and get a cake made so whoever finds me will feel like they’re at a party.

My tank is on the way so now what? Ebay says two to six days. I was thinking about buying the kit from Helios but I can just as easily make one. I found myself staring at that $50 price tag and wondering how they justified it. I guess suicidal people aren’t usually as concerned with their finances.

I’ve got some very good prescription anti-nausea medication that I’ve held on to for awhile. I got the prescription because I was going through severe opiate withdrawal and I couldn’t stop throwing up. It helped a lot then and I’m counting on it to help a lot now, too.

How come we don’t say ‘deathday’ like ‘birthday’? Well, I’m inventing the word here and now. It’s my contribution to humanity. You may not think it’s much of contribution but most people don’t ever contribute anything, right? So unless I stumble upon the cure for cancer in the next two to six days it’ll have to do.

Is it depressing that I decided that my deathday is determined by the timeliness of a delivery? Yes, it is. It’s just not ironic.

I live with my elderly father and he will be gone, obviously, when I start my party. Now I’m not so heartless as to let him come back to the house and find his son dead. No father should have to endure that. So I need to contact someone so that they’ll contact the police and they’ll be the first to arrive. Now, I don’t want to give anyone extra warning so that the cops arrive too soon. The message should be sent after I’m already dead.

Enter a program called Boomerang. It lets you schedule when you want to send an e-mail (with gmail). I guess Outlook will do the same thing. Anyway, if anything goes wrong at my party then I will hopefully be able to cancel the e-mail before it even gets sent. I don’t want anyone knowing what I tried if I fail, of course. That could delay a follow-up attempt.

Sorry if my thoughts are jumping around everywhere. I haven’t eaten anything for a couple days and these sleeping pills make me feel like I’m in a trance.

I might get some of those little party hats. Why shouldn’t it be a celebration? Finally, an end to the suffering. I didn’t start typing this thinking about a deathday party, it just came to me.

I just googled deathday and found out that Harry Potter beat me to the punch. He probably read my thoughts from the future (the future being the present present, Potter having thought of it in the present past). You know what I mean. So before anyone tells me that I didn’t invent the term ‘deathday’ and I should kill myself let me just say that I already know both. I’m on it!

My concept is a little different than Rowling’s so I’m still gonna take partial credit for creating the word, in that I conjured up the more common definition (I’m assuming it will be more common in the future). Also, the party itself is a lot different. At my party there is only one person invited (he already RSVP’d) and, with some luck, at the end there will be none.

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