He left and took my life with him-Pt 2

  November 5th, 2011 by TxDriver

It was a month yesterday since I last saw or heard from my ex. I have been in bad shape mentally and emotionally since. My thoughts are erratic and it’s just difficult to function when the future I thought I had with this guy left when he did. I have family and people saying the usual things like, get over him, it’s time to stop crying, consider it a new beginning, blah, blah, blah. No one actually realizes how much damage this has done to me. I’ve got no friends, lost them while I was with him. I’ve tried pen pal sites, social networking sites, texting sites, you name it but no one wants to be friends with an almost 50 year old woman and men aren’t interested in me because I’m heavy. I’ve put on a lot of weight while I was with this guy, but I’ve been skinny too. I’m just not a very attractive woman so at this stage of the game I’m not going to be meeting anyone else. Men my age, want thin and young.
My 2 youngest daughters who are both college students have been keeping a watch on me because of my mental state. I love my girls very much, but they have their own lives and even though my death would hurt them a lot, I just do not want to continue to be a burden to them. I don’t want them having to spend their whole lives, tending to their old lonely Mom.
It’s a sad thing that there are people in this world who have the power to inflict such emotional damage on someone they say they love. I know my ex is not worth it, but my impending death isn’t just about him. Yes I want out of this life so I don’t have to know that he moved on and never gave me another thought. It’s also about me just not wanting to grow any older and knowing there will never be anyone else to share my life with.
People have been telling me I need to set a goal for my life and I have…to kill myself before my 50th birthday. I know that sounds bad and it really is. Every day I have to fight the urge to end it right away, but my daughters are my reason for the delay. I have been enough of a burden to them already and I don’t want to put anymore on them than they have already had to deal with. My financial situation is bad as told in my previous post. I am going to TRY to get a decent enough job to pay my bills, get my affairs in order, and make my own arrangements, so that when they find my body, my daughters won’t have to deal with any of that. I know it’s going to hurt them and that is the biggest regret I will have when I take my own life, but I just don’t want them having the responsibility of having to care for me in my old age.
Like I said before, it is a daily struggle to keep from ending it right away. My emotions are a roller coaster ride and it is all I can do to keep it together from one sunrise to the next. I know I could drink or use some kind of drugs to blur the hurt and take the edge off my emotions, but I have NEVER used any kind of drugs and because I am a CDL driver and need to keep that in good standing so I can get a job, I refuse to turn to either. The night I die, I am going to be stone cold sober, so no one can say my death was caused by anything other than a broken heart. I know death isn’t pretty regardless of how people go, but I don’t want my daughters having to identify my body with my head blown away, lots of blood, etc. I’m scared of needles, and sharp knives, so that is out. Drowning can be bad on a body if it isn’t found right away, and I refuse to try ODing. With my luck I would probably survive and be a vegetable the rest of my life and once again it would be an ongoing burden for my daughters. This may sound a bit off the wall, but I am going to die by hypothermia. It’s not totally painless, but at least I will just slowly go to sleep as my body shuts down. I’m going to do this in a place where my ex and I used to spend a lot of time at. I’ve done quite a bit of research on this and it seems like a good a way to go as any. I will have my cell phone with me and while I am still coherent enough I will turn my GPS back on so they can find my body. Since I go out in the evenings, no one will find me before the next day at the earliest.
So that’s where my life stands as of right now. I still want to die every day that I wake up alone and by evening it’s all I can do not to act on it, but my girls deserve better than to be left with a bunch of bills that weren’t of their making, plus making funeral arrangements and having to pay for my death. This life sucks and I just want out, but all in good time. I used to have a strong belief in God, but not anymore. I’ve always heard people reap what they sow, but if that’s the case then why do evil people get everything they want in life, while those who try to do right and love with all their hearts get discarded and left behind over and over? If God was listening then there wouldn’t be people killing themselves now would there?

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