It was a month yesterday since I last saw or heard from my ex. I have been in bad shape mentally and emotionally since. My thoughts are erratic and it’s just difficult to function when the future I thought I had with this guy left when he did. I have family and people saying the usual things like, get over him, it’s time to stop crying, consider it a new beginning, blah, blah, blah. No one actually realizes how much damage this has done to me. I’ve got no friends, lost them while I was with him. I’ve tried pen pal sites, social networking sites, texting sites, you name it but no one wants to be friends with an almost 50 year old woman and men aren’t interested in me because I’m heavy. I’ve put on a lot of weight while I was with this guy, but I’ve been skinny too. I’m just not a very attractive woman so at this stage of the game I’m not going to be meeting anyone else. Men my age, want thin and young.
My 2 youngest daughters who are both college students have been keeping a watch on me because of my mental state. I love my girls very much, but they have their own lives and even though my death would hurt them a lot, I just do not want to continue to be a burden to them. I don’t want them having to spend their whole lives, tending to their old lonely Mom.
It’s a sad thing that there are people in this world who have the power to inflict such emotional damage on someone they say they love. I know my ex is not worth it, but my impending death isn’t just about him. Yes I want out of this life so I don’t have to know that he moved on and never gave me another thought. It’s also about me just not wanting to grow any older and knowing there will never be anyone else to share my life with.
People have been telling me I need to set a goal for my life and I have…to kill myself before my 50th birthday. I know that sounds bad and it really is. Every day I have to fight the urge to end it right away, but my daughters are my reason for the delay. I have been enough of a burden to them already and I don’t want to put anymore on them than they have already had to deal with. My financial situation is bad as told in my previous post. I am going to TRY to get a decent enough job to pay my bills, get my affairs in order, and make my own arrangements, so that when they find my body, my daughters won’t have to deal with any of that. I know it’s going to hurt them and that is the biggest regret I will have when I take my own life, but I just don’t want them having the responsibility of having to care for me in my old age.
Like I said before, it is a daily struggle to keep from ending it right away. My emotions are a roller coaster ride and it is all I can do to keep it together from one sunrise to the next. I know I could drink or use some kind of drugs to blur the hurt and take the edge off my emotions, but I have NEVER used any kind of drugs and because I am a CDL driver and need to keep that in good standing so I can get a job, I refuse to turn to either. The night I die, I am going to be stone cold sober, so no one can say my death was caused by anything other than a broken heart. I know death isn’t pretty regardless of how people go, but I don’t want my daughters having to identify my body with my head blown away, lots of blood, etc. I’m scared of needles, and sharp knives, so that is out. Drowning can be bad on a body if it isn’t found right away, and I refuse to try ODing. With my luck I would probably survive and be a vegetable the rest of my life and once again it would be an ongoing burden for my daughters. This may sound a bit off the wall, but I am going to die by hypothermia. It’s not totally painless, but at least I will just slowly go to sleep as my body shuts down. I’m going to do this in a place where my ex and I used to spend a lot of time at. I’ve done quite a bit of research on this and it seems like a good a way to go as any. I will have my cell phone with me and while I am still coherent enough I will turn my GPS back on so they can find my body. Since I go out in the evenings, no one will find me before the next day at the earliest.
So that’s where my life stands as of right now. I still want to die every day that I wake up alone and by evening it’s all I can do not to act on it, but my girls deserve better than to be left with a bunch of bills that weren’t of their making, plus making funeral arrangements and having to pay for my death. This life sucks and I just want out, but all in good time. I used to have a strong belief in God, but not anymore. I’ve always heard people reap what they sow, but if that’s the case then why do evil people get everything they want in life, while those who try to do right and love with all their hearts get discarded and left behind over and over? If God was listening then there wouldn’t be people killing themselves now would there?
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I wish there was something I could say to relieve your sorrows.
So your a CDL driver, are you OTR when working ? If so that is a loney proffession, yet opportunuty to earn is good isn’t it ?
I can say this about hypothermia, I attempted it in 2002, on a very cold night I wet down my enitre body and went outside. I was back in the house in about 5 minutes. I couldn’t take the cold. Now I suppose had I driven out to no where, and was out of gas on a cold night I could perish of hypothermia.
I’ve attempted the opposite too, the create a heat stroke by walking away from my car in Death Valley Ca. in 118 degree heat. Didn’t get far before I turned around and went back to the car.
I think it’s harder to do than one may think.
Please don’t. I stumbled across your post while searching the web for reports of bodies that have been found in my area as I have been searching for my mother since march of 2011. She left a vague note and everything she had left behind. Everyday I ask myself how she could do this. I know it sounds selfish, but being another is supposed to mean you don’t put your children through the hell of having a parent commit suicide. I know it’s hell. My father killed himself in 2004. My brother found his body. I miss him everyday for the last 7 years. I live with guilt everyday. Sometimes I still sob myself to sleep. My happiness died with him. And now my mother is gone too. Do not do this to your daughters. No matter how you may be thinking now, no matter how they may seem pressed upon by you, they love you and always will. Do not make them live the rest of their lives feeling the guilt of thinking they could have done more to save you.theres no man in this world that it worth putting them through the pain you will sentence them to if you go through with this plan. Please seek help. There are people who can and will help you. You need to stop living everyday with just the pain and emotion in your he’s and heart and live for the small moments of joy wether that’s a cup of tea or a funy movie. Live just long enough to see the things you would miss if you were gone. Your child’s wedding, holding your first grandchild. All these things will be moments that your daughters are looking forward to sharing with you, the biggest best moments on their lives will forever be sad as they will know you should have been there beside them for those moments. Every moment is a gift. I would give anything in this world to have one more moment with either of my parents. My thoughts are consumed with sadness and anger and guilt because they made a decision that was selfish in a time in their lives where they failed to see the light on the other side of the tunnel. You need to stop thinking about all the things you don’t have right now and focus on the few things that mean everything. Your daughters new you more than you or they even know. Christmas will never be the same. Make a date to go for coffee with them. Get involved in a hobby. Make friends. Do anything. DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE. Please no matter how bleak the situation seems right now, and god help me I know what bleak looks like, and I know how empty this may sound, but this too shall pass. Please hang in there. There are things you are meant to see and do and experience and be a part of yet in this life. With love and concern, Brooke
Thank you Brooke for a different viewpoint. I understand the pain of your loss and I am so very sorry. I know nothing anyone says will ever take that kind of hurt away.
I do love my daughters very much and I would do just about anything to spare them the pain of my death. I will emphasize over and over to them in my letters to them, that NOTHING they could have done or said would have changed my mind or saved my life. Seriously I believe my middle daughter will never get married because she has seen the damage done to me from the broken relationships in my life. She is in her early 20s and she doesn’t even date! My youngest dated one guy who cheated and since then she hasn’t looked for a new relationship either and has chosen to focus on getting through college and starting her career. She has a better handle on love and relationships and sees that there really just aren’t many decent guys left and the same goes for women. People use others for what they can get, and when they feel their needs are no longer being met, they discard that person like trash, without even bothering to try to work things out, and move on to their next victim. So as far as marriages and grand kids, I don’t see it happening with my 2 daughters. Life is meant to be shared and experienced with a special someone in your life. Without that it is just a one dimensional existence. I chose not to just exist in this life.
I will say a prayer that your pain will be eased even if only a little. I know you can never get back what’s been taken from you, but just the fact you are still here is a testimony to the strength that’s inside you. Take Care
Being another =being a mother*
In your he’s = in your head*
On their lives= in their lives*
Daughter new you= daughters love you*
Sorry I was typing too fast.
Please reconsider
1. Fifty is far from old. You could easily live thirty more years, which is, I admit, more than my whole life.
2. No matter what age you are, allowing your personal worth to changed by your attractiveness is a mistake. In the end, sex is nice but it’s just sex. There is so much more to the relationships you can have with your friends and family. And who’s to say for certain that you won’t find love again if you can make it through your depression?
3. One of the best people in my life was my grandmother. If you kill yourself, you’re not only missing a lot of experiences, you’re also completely changing the legacy your life will leave in the world. One day, if you play your cards right, one of your grandkids will run up to you full of excitement. It would be tragic if you froze yourself to death instead.
OMG, I don’t even want to THINK I might live another 30 years, NO THANKS!
I know relationships come in all forms. Yes sex is nice, but maybe my point came across wrong? I’m old fashioned I guess, but sex is a part of a relationship that comes after love. It would be easy if I could be cold and detached and have sex without my heart being involved, but I’m just not wired like that. I could have even done without the sex if my ex only had loved me enough not to use the porn to replace me with. I just wanted to be wanted and needed by him and with his leaving that told me I had neither. Emotions are powerful things and I could have taken him just liking me still even a little or hating me a lot, but there is an something that really can’t be classified as an emotion that is worse…indifference. The fact that my ex doesn’t care whether I live or die either way is what has destroyed me.
I do appreciate your sharing the memories of your time with your Grandmother. She must have been an extraordinary woman. For me, if I stay in this life, it would be just as bad if not worse for the fact that I will never be recovered from this, the sadness and regrets will remain. My grand kids will deserve a legacy of looking for the best in life, grabbing happiness when you can, and giving your whole heart when you love. My life experiences have left me cynical, bitter, and cold. I would rather they have someone in their lives to share the positive, than someone like myself who would only be able to relate to all the bad and evil in this world. My daughters and grand kids deserve better than me.
Thank you for your reply. I wish you happiness in whichever way you choose to seek it.
No I’m not an OTR driver. It is just one more thing in my life I failed miserably at. I always wanted to be a truck driver, but instead got married young and started a family. When my last 2 daughters were still in Middle and High School, I finally went to Truck Driving School. When I graduated, the oil field was booming here so I stayed local instead of going OTR, so I could still care for my daughters. Well the oil field moved out of this area, and now there aren’t many local places hiring. I can’t go OTR now because I’m not a recent driving school graduate and I don’t have any OTR experience. On top of it all I have BAD night vision that has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I wouldn’t want to chance killing some innocent person or persons because I went the wrong way, didn’t see them etc, so I am just stuck in this painful limbo with no way to afford going back to school to learn anything else. Even if I did, with the economy as bad at it is, there are more qualified people and younger too who would get hired before myself.
As far as not succeeding with my idea, you may be right. However, I am a VERY stubborn person and if I am determined to do something, I will do it regardless. I agree that people have a survival instinct, but my need to die will easily override that when the time comes. All I will have to do is concentrate and remember every part of my life that has ever let me down, including God, and I will be ready to go.
Thank you for your insight though. I wish you good luck on wherever your journey takes you.
My mother is 60 now. If she hadn’t made it that far, she never would have lived to see her eldest daught get married and have a child. Is that important to you?
Question: is part of the reason why you are dying to somehow get back at your ex? Get revenge somehow? Because you want to do it in a place that was special to him… I don’t know but it doesn’t seem like a good motivation…
For the record I don’t believe in god. I tried once, and found that it just became really easy to blame him for all my problems. Found it more effective to take control and responsibility for my own life. I got faith, though. Faith in people, there’s a lot of good people out there.
Hi Ann,
The fact of the matter is, most likely, either of my daughters will ever get married. They have seen the damage done when loving a man and putting your faith in him, thinking he will always be there. I do love my daughters, very much, but they just cannot understand how badly this has hurt me. Just like the rest of my family they think I should just “get over it and move on”. It may have been that simple for him, but it’s just not for me. No matter what I do, or try, the memories and the sorrow just will NOT go away! The fact that he has already moved on just rubs more salt into an already deep wound.
As far as dying to get back at him and doing in a place that was special to him as a form of revenge? That would only work if he gave a shit and I can most assuredly guarantee that is not the case. He was emotionally divorced from me before he ever came and got his stuff. Me, our relationship, the special places, the memories, ALL of it, meant nothing to him by the time he left. I’m probably not even a thought in his mind any longer, especially with a new love already in the picture. My reasons for wanting to die are simple, I’m tired of hurting, sick of the tears, I don’t want to be a burden to my daughters when they have their own lives to live and get on with. As for the place I have chosen, it is for me. Just because he erased the memories doesn’t mean I have. That is a place I shared with him, that we both enjoyed when we were together. As I leave this world, my last thoughts are going to be of him, our relationship, and the good times we shared. There are worse ways to die.
PS. Who says you have to share your life with a man? My mum is single, and has a good group of friends. I have an aunty in paris, she is english, about 60, and she has a very nice group of friends, all around 60-70, one italian, one french, one american, they are all nice women who have given up on men and make each other laugh.