The chances I have a mental breakdown, or at least say something regretable, in my class tomorrow (I call it Bullshit 101) is way too high.
There is only so much bullshit and stupidity I can deal with. Â I don’t have a very high tolerance normally, but this is ridiculous. Â I feel like I might explode. Â I am so tired of hearing people whine about things they know nothing about, or assume that my opinion or the source of my facts is wrong simply because it doesn’t coincide with theirs. Â “Oh, that’s not what I heard.”
I’m actually crying. Â A rare occurrence for me.
I have an incredible amount of work to do. Â Yet doing anything when I feel like this is fucking impossible.
I wish I were dead.  I might as well be.  I have no interest in doing anything.  I used to have all these hobbies, but now all my supplies just sit collecting dust.  I don’t  have any real friends.  Oh sure, there are a few people who I call my friends.  I know that they care, but none of them live in this state, and I rarely even get a phone call or a text.  Hell, after I sent one of my friends their birthday present, I had to text her first in order for her to even acknowledge she got the gift.  And another friend keeps saying he’ll call me, but never does.
I can’t seem to be able to make new friends. Â I met two people last week, at a relative’s friend’s party, and I had a lot of fun drinking and talking with them. Â It was my first real social interaction with people my own age for the past three months. Â I got their phone numbers, and I texted one of them but her response only seems to prove my fear that they were probably just being nice to me that night and aren’t actually interested in being my friend. Â No one ever is.
I really feel like cutting. Â I don’t know why. Â I only did it for a very brief period of time my freshman year, maybe a week, and it didn’t help any. Â In fact, it probably just stressed me out more by having to hide it from my roommate. Â If she had found out, I probably would have been “forced” to take a medical withdrawal even sooner. Â The situation is similar now. Â I’d have to hide it from my roommates. Â And my parents, since I’ll be visiting them after the semester ends.
High school was miserable, and yet I was so sure things would get better after I graduated. Â They haven’t. Â I feel like that the time I’m going to feel better is always going to be prefaced with the word ‘after.’
I’ll feel better after college.
I’ll feel better after I get a real job.
I’ll feel better after I become financially independent.
I’ll feel better after I get my own place to live.
I’ll feel better after my epitaph is written.
7 comments
I know people married w/ children who don’t “feel better”. It makes me feel hopeless thinking about them because they’re twice my age and haven’t found that sense of relief.
If you want to make friends, my suggestions are to get a part time job where people your age work and learn how to act. Food service is always good because it’s not a serious job and you can goof off with the right group of staff. Keep busy and act like you’re having fun. When in doubt, smile and nod (fitting in, 101). The people that get on your case about your opinion usually aren’t worth your time(those are the people you smile and nod at while making mental note of their nefariousness).
when you feel that anxiety like you can’t do anything but think about it, refocus on yourself. Refocus on what you want and what you’re doing; keep the list simple. Your name is blah-blah and you’re this many years old. You go to so and so school for so and so program because you’re working toward this dream. Refocus on what you’re doing. Sometimes you’ll find that what you’re stressing about is unnecessary and it’ll simply fall away. Let’s say you want a best friend to lean on, that accepts you for you. Someone close by that you can hang with whenever. How does dwelling on shitty classmates help you get that friend you desire?
To address how you think you’ll feel after….the reason that is because you/we all think we will feel better in the doing of it or having of it….food, relationships, achievements. The key is to conjure good thoughts which produce good feelings. I feel crap most of the time physically, but my spirit is pretty good because I “practice”, I’ll say it again….I practice loving myself…..how does one do that….practice thoughts that move you to a better thought. Be flexible, you can only get it right if you choose to change how you feel. May sound simplistic but it’s the way. Despair, rage, anger, hope, a little more hope, a worth filled thought, back to despair….they’re all okay….the more you practice, the better you’ll get. I have no seemingly good reason to feel good or smile, but I practice baby! Research law of attraction.
Nothing is more important than, that you feel good. When you feel good, life is good. I encourage you to follow that notion and perhaps repeat it to yourself. Saying things like I wish I was dead doesn’t help, and truthfully, it doesn’t….speaking from experience. To achieve a better result you best intend to go in the opposite direction. You sound like a fantastic person who I’d love and perhaps you would love to see, experiencing hope….Take care.
If you want to keep existing follow tphg and softsoul’s advice.
Nothing ever does get better.
Not in reality. Most times it gets worse.
But some people change their perspective and choose to deal with it.
Hopefully you choose the best path for you.
everybody in stress ,live is hard we have alot of things we have to do
places to be although we dont want
try to figure out the sources of your stress and try to keep them to the minimun
try to find answers
I get the whole school thing-I’m working on my doctorate degree, and it is a *****, especially when my thoughts are consumed by death. It is so hard for me to write my dissertation right now. Plus, the end is not in sight. I do hope things get better for you though.
InternalHelper, this is comforting. I am also full time graduate student, and I am also writing my dissertation. I understand you completely in that sense. It is painful.
I also understand evildandelions. It always seems that AFTER instead of NOW is when Life gets better. I always though the same thing. Now, I think balance is key. However, balance is difficult to achieve.