I am surviving

  November 17th, 2011 by sutterly

Jan 12 , 2011 – the love of my life took his life. Its been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. And I have had my  share of bull to deal with in my life. From being gang-raped at the age of 17, and a single mom of 2 children. Supporting them by carrying different jobs including escorting. This past year has taken its toll on me. About a month ago I wanted to end my life.  I am 37 years old and I would be lying to say it was my first attempt. My first was when I was about 21. One could say I didn’t try very hard, but none-the-less it was a cry for help that no one listened to. Suicide has always been on my mind, but it never really hit me how FINAL it really is until my best friend/boyfriend took his. I am a mother and I ashamed to say that I put him in front of my own kids lives. I am not a bad mother by any means, I love my children, but for the first time in my life someone understood ME. I shared everything with him. All of my secrets, all of my feelings and especially we shared an intimacy that was out of this world. When he took his life — it shattered mine. That was 9 months ago. I have lost my friends due to trust issues. However I am thankful for his family who has showed me so much love and support. It’s little things like that that make everyday possible. I am still struggling to find inner strength but I can’t believe when I look back at how I felt when this first happened until now. If there is anyone who shares anything similar to this, I would love to hear it. Somehow I think everyone just wants to know that they are not alone in what they are going through. I know I am.

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