Jan 12 , 2011 – the love of my life took his life. Its been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. And I have had my share of bull to deal with in my life. From being gang-raped at the age of 17, and a single mom of 2 children. Supporting them by carrying different jobs including escorting. This past year has taken its toll on me. About a month ago I wanted to end my life. I am 37 years old and I would be lying to say it was my first attempt. My first was when I was about 21. One could say I didn’t try very hard, but none-the-less it was a cry for help that no one listened to. Suicide has always been on my mind, but it never really hit me how FINAL it really is until my best friend/boyfriend took his. I am a mother and I ashamed to say that I put him in front of my own kids lives. I am not a bad mother by any means, I love my children, but for the first time in my life someone understood ME. I shared everything with him. All of my secrets, all of my feelings and especially we shared an intimacy that was out of this world. When he took his life — it shattered mine. That was 9 months ago. I have lost my friends due to trust issues. However I am thankful for his family who has showed me so much love and support. It’s little things like that that make everyday possible. I am still struggling to find inner strength but I can’t believe when I look back at how I felt when this first happened until now. If there is anyone who shares anything similar to this, I would love to hear it. Somehow I think everyone just wants to know that they are not alone in what they are going through. I know I am.
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My best friend, love of my life, my everything took his life before 2 years also. I shared with him everything. He knew things what nobody did. So i understand You. He was the only one who knew how to deal with my problems, well, obviously he didnt know how to handle with his ones.
There were no day when i didnt think about him. I love him. Will always do. Even he left me here alone.
I can say only two things here what i know for sure:
1.suiciding brings a really black misfortune for all family for a very long time.
2. only time can make it feel better. Love never ends. But the pain is less. Still screaming inside, but day after day it gets better.
So all You have to do, Dear, is to wait. You will see.
Don’t bring that pain to ya kids twice. You have no choise no – to live – for them, not for You. No other way. You know the pain. Don’t let them go through that.
Please be strong :]*
Thank you so much. Screaming inside describes it so well. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this feeling. Two years scares me though, the pain is unbearable at times. But I know I don’t want this feeling for my children.
Your words ring so true, I love him so much and I always will. Thank you so much again.
May I say that I made in error in the date, Jan 12, 2011.
Maybe not the exact same, as it wasn’t the love of my life or anything, but a very close friend of mine committed suicide June 27 2010, and I can at least somewhat understand what you’re going through. So no, you’re not completely alone. That always helps to know I suppose.
If You want to talk ever about it we can keep in touch on skype or anywhere. Its very hard, but im so happy that u saw that You’re not alone :]
probably ist the only one page where i talk about it. My family and friends are affraid to talk about it with me! So they left me alone with my minds about that disaster..
Wow, I can say the same. I have never talked about it with my family, and probably never will.