“What  the fuck were you thinking!!!???  Do you care!!??? Does it even bother you!!???  You almost killed yourself and who knows how many other people!!!”
No… I couldn’t find even an ounce of regret. Â I have searched the deepest parts within me and no, I didn’t care. Â It doesn’t bother me… Is that bad?
What would have happened that night? Â Oh God, I am suicidal, but maybe a little more subtle than a gun to my head. Â I am reckless, completely and totally to the point that the thought of dying is barely an afterthought. Â I’m consciously putting my life in as much danger at any given moment, with the hopes of death. Â But then there won’t be a note, maybe I should keep it folded up in my back pocket…
10 comments
hmm was this a conversation you actually had? Reckless is one thing and maybe you wouldn’t feel regret for your own risks, but you seem like a good person so I think you would feel bad about the “and who knows how many other people!!!â€
Umm yes it was a real live conversation I had. Except I didn’t answer, I just told her “Fuck off.” I’m not sure if I honestly do care about the and who knows how many other people, it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything. I wish I could say I do.
Come on don’t sell yourself short if you truly don’t feel anything and don’t care about other people. Then would you really be on this site offering people kind words and comfort. You want to help people feel better it means you still care, and if you care enough to try to help random people on a blog site, then I think you care enough that you would feel bad if you hurt other people for no reason.
You’re probably right. It might have helped if I never met them, but then how they treated me, they could die, and I wouldn’t care.
oh so this was specific people you knew and didn’t like, rather then just random strangers that might have been hurt. Yea that does make a difference. It seems like you have a lot of people in your life that don’t treat you very well.
Maybe it’s my fault, it could be I’m just a total *****. But I don’t really talk to people, i’m really quiet.
Well anything is possible, but you don’t seem bitchy on here. Its probably just being quiet and keeping to yourself. Seems like everyone in your family pushes you around. Maybe other people see that and they feel like they can push you around tom and then the more people you have bullying you the more everyone thinks its ok. You seem to have so much potential though, and you have already said you want to get out of there as soon as you ca., So I hope you can just hold on to that conviction, and not do anything to reckless in the meantime.
That will be hard but I want to try to stay alive till I am out of the house and then I’ll see what direction my life heads. If it gets worse, better, who knows.
So is there anything you can do in the meantime to make things better, in your other post you said you can’t have your music because your mom breaks all your cd’s but surely you could find a way around that? and that you want to talk to people about cars or whatever. Have you tried to find online friends that share some of your interests, like you come on this site to talk about suicide, well you could go on other sites to find people that love cars just as much as you do. It is always nice to have distractions that can keep you from thinking to much about the negatives.
I think that you should have a draft ‘goodbye text’ saved on your phone, tailored to each person you would say goodbye to. Then, at the very last moment, send them.
That way, you will be in control; you know you are about to do it.