I should be Normal

I am a 20 year old college student with a job, a place of my own, and enough money to be comfortable. I have an awesome family and lots of animals that are awesome (I consider my horse to be my best friend). I would see that I am decent looking with an alright body. I have nothing in my past that I need to confess to. There is no past abuse or strife that I had. Yet I have crippling social anxiety and depression. And I believe that it’s only made worse by the fact that I feel the only person I have to blame for my condition is myself.

The first time I remember feeling suicidal was when I was 12. I refused to eat because I was convinced that I was going to starve myself to death. It was the first time that I felt as though the world would be better off without me. The most powerful memory of that time was how heavy my heart felt, like it was filled with lead that pounded through all my veins and filled me with a crushing sadness.

When I was in high school I thought about suicide every day. Back then I never thought it was to abnormal. I guess I just assumed that everyone in high school feels that way. And now that I”m in college I’m starting to realize that this is not normal. Not everyone feels this way. I would give anything to be feel anything else, or to at least know how others feel when they are happy.

My most serious bout of depression happened only about a month or so ago. It hit me so hard, I had no time to prepare for it. There was no trigger – it just happened. And suddenly I was making a suicide plan that was very doable. And I was making small attempt to find something to hold me to this Earth. I’ve had these bouts before and the thoughts of my family or my horses were enough to make me hold on. But this time was different, I felt as thought if they really loved me they wouldn’t want me to be in so much pain. I can honestly say that the only reason I am here typing this now is because of a man I work with. I only work with him two times a week but he makes my entire week. He knows when I”m sad and tries to cheer me up, he’s open with hugs, and will always take the time to talk to me. I held on for him, I’m not even to sure why but I feel as though I should thank him now.

I feel as though there is no reason for me to feel like this. That is why my condition is so vexing. And the more I ponder on it the worse I feel. I’ve let my condition define and run my life. I can barely do anything without thinking, ‘If I fuck up bad enough I’ll just kill myself’. I can’t study because the only thing on my mind is my crushing loneliness. And I cry at night because I feel as though my mind has betrayed me and brought this all upon me.I wish I could remember a time when I didn’t feel like this. Because right now I don’t think I can handle the future if this is how I will handle it.