I’m on fire

  November 14th, 2011 by danny91

I write this as I sit alone in a darkened room. Over and over different thoughts come and go as they please inside my head. Ups and downs, sensations that I’ve felt before and some that are new. Alongside them I feel a desperation, a need, a longing. Something to help me break out of this. 

As I think more I question my own sanity, my own existence.

Beside me is the suicide letter I wrote to my little brother when I felt a point in my desperation which I felt I could not recover from. In it I spoke to him, he’s only a little kid but I hoped that the message would reach him one day. I said sorry to him, for failing him, for taking the easy way out when I could have fought on. Sorry for the birthdays, parties, graduations, funerals, weddings that I would not be able to go to. Sorry for failing to be there when he needed comfort, advice, someone to talk to. Sorry for letting everything that had happened in my past finally catch up to me and get to me in the most devastating way.

The straw that broke the camels back came when she left and moved on from me as quickly as she’d gone. But that wasn’t it, I guess I felt the happiness finally sucked out of me, the little bit of it that remained after years of home sickness, abuse and depression. ‘I’m on fire’ by Bruce springsteen is on repeat over and over again. I wish I was on fire. I wish I could be the flame that lights my brothers life and shows him a way through the darkness he’ll encounter in this world.

But I’m not sad at this moment. Just need to wake up. Being alone and inside my head constantly is something Im used to. I feel relaxed but I feel I wont be able to connect to another human being for a long time, or ever again.

 Maybe people like us aren’t meant to exist in this world.

I stop. I think of my family, my dad, my brother, my mum, my cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunties; everyone. THEY deserve better than this.

I cant base what I feel on people or experiences Ive had. I need to do it for my family. I need to be there for them, to show them what I can do, to make them proud. Because they deserve better than this. I’m gonna be someone for them. My own existence isn’t determined yet by my own actions or by anyone else’s. It’s down to the future, God, fate and myself.  

Maybe I am on fire. Maybe I can be the light that shows people the way. Maybe I can make a difference. Last night I felt a change, a maturity. Hope. Something to cling on to. A different point of view from the down on his luck, feeling sorry for himself bastard that Ive been for years. Now something different, perhaps. A new reaction.

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