in a helll i could have never imagined

  November 13th, 2011 by futile20

honestly sometimes i don’t know what keeps me going.i guess it’s just friends at this point.and right now they’re so distant in my life that even that barely seems to matter anymore.i’ve been diagnosed with depression and a couple of anxiety disorders (including PTSD) which make my life seem like a sick joke, and a hell i could’ve never imagined.sometimes i question (and i’m being fully honest about this) if maybe this isn’t life for real.sometimes it just gets so bad that i feel like i AM in hell,and hell is earth.i’m 20 years old.my family is completely disfunctional,both parents are alcoholics and tear at me and tell me how i’m a bad mark on the family,my dad used to physically abuse me horribly as a kid,and now all my family relations have gotten so bad,despite me being the most reliable person in the family for their emotional support,that i’m constantly and purposefully left out of family holidays (christmas,thanksgiving just to name a few). it feels like i’ve broken my back for them only so they can tread on it and do more damage in the end.they also make fun of my anxiety and depression constantly.and since 12th grade in high school i took up heavy drinking,started smoking marijuana (which led to using adderall,then cocaine and ecstacy) which would keep me sane most of the time,then turned to cutting.anyways that’s where the story really took a turn for the worst.the milk went sour as quickly as the speed of light.finishing up high school i graduated barely,failing almost every class my first semester of 12th grade,and didn’t do much better for the rest of the year.graduated with a low gpa,and now i feel trapped at my community college.now here’s why i feel so trapped.in the 20 years i’ve lived,i’ve gotten 5 concussions,and most i had recieved with low intervals between recovery.my memory capacity isn’t nearly as good as it was in high school.and my reading has also significantly decreased.i can’t read fast at all,let alone retain the memory of what i read even over a day.i’ve failed school numerous times because of that.it’s also triggered countless anxiety attacks.anyways i tried (and came super close to succeding) committing suicide.one night after an awful depressed week,which made me feel like i hit rock bottom unlike ever before i grabbed a sharp knife and slashed forcefully at my wrist.it immediatly split open,and warm blood started running down my arm.before i knew it my whole arm was covered in blood,as well as my shirt.i became very scared,because i didn’t imagine bleeding so badly.so i called 911.the ambulance arrived and they took me to the hospital.as they prepared to get moving,they radioed the hospital,and the hospital asked what my condition was.they said they didn’t even know if i was going to make it.by that point i started feeling very faint,and my blood pressure was high from stress,so i kept bleeding.i almost lost conciousness 3 times,and went into shock.by the time i reached the hospital i was barely concious.they took my blood pressure again,yet this time it dropped significantly.at that point i could see a look of fear on some of the doctors faces.i eventually got 16 stitches and an iv/blood transfusion.then a shot of ativan because i was so overwhelmed emotionally.i don’t remember anything really from there on out except waking up in a psych ward on suicide watch.honestly sometimes i wish it succeded.and i still feel suicidal from time to time.PTSD and depression have made my life a nightmare.i feel emotionally numb most of the time,hopeless,and when i’m not numb i’m in the pits with depression.the world has become such a dark place for me since i was a child,and looking back makes me feel nostalgic,and i often start crying,wondering how life went so wrong,and downhill for me.i look at now,and see a broken man,a nobody,i can’t bare the thought of my future without having a full blown panic attack.i’ve lost faith in god,and used to love religion as a kid.it seems with every dream i have,it gets crushed before my very eyes,and life’s thrown me so many loops,that i gave up in bettering my situation.in the end i’m always stuck back at square one,lost,hopeless,in despair,and on the edge of killing myself and drinking insanely large amounts of alcohol and doing hard drugs just so i don’t lose my mind completely.

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