I spend almost every hour, every minute of every day wishing, thinking of how to end all this. I get hairs of hope every now and then and that is what keeps me hanging on. I’m tired, really tired. I know there is nothing left out there for me. But something keeps me thinking that maybe there might be a chance. I watched this documentary on youtube about suicide. They showed a real picture of a guy with a bag over his head that used natural gas to end is life. That picture kind of stuck in my head and made me think that is how I’m going to be found. I’m not using natural gas though. And another thing that gets me is that if I actually do it, then that is really the end. I can’t imagine the end. I don’t understand it. All I know is I want to be free of the hurt, the anger, the lack of wanting to live and if I end my life I will never be able to feel that. I’m a stubborn person and this is all turning into not wanting to die, but having to die. God this sucks.
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I understand being tired, the desire just to lay down and let Time pass by without having to interact with the world anymore. But that’s coupled with the belief that there’s something else out there that could bring someone true happiness; not just the fleeting kind that we seem to experience at random points.
I strongly feel that there is something great on the horizon for you to experience. When this will come, I can’t tell you; all I know is that you’ll have to be around to find that out for yourself. Don’t you want to know why you’re being pulled in this way?
Eternity is, by definition, endless. Keep true to your more hard-headed self, and fight against the negative emotions that plunge you into despair! You are not alone.