Just a lot of rambling

November 13th, 2011by meowmeowmeow

I guess my biggest problem right now is that I can’t seem to get myself together enough to tell them the truth. I mean people know, my family and friends know that I’m like this(suicidal) but no one knows why because I’m to scared to tell them. I do have a therapist, and I am on anti depressants, but I don’t want to talk. I mean I do want to talk, I just can’t. The words literally won’t come out of my mouth. I really have nothing to be ashamed of, because not a single thing that happened to me growing up that was my fault, not one. In my mind though, it’s all my fault. If I wasn’t so fat or ugly, then maybe they wouldn’t have treated me like that or done those things to me. If I wasnt so scared to stand up for myself. If I had acted differently or had more friends, etc.

I’m different now, I’ve lost weight and such, but I will always see myself as that pathetic little girl with no friends

I do not, and probably will not, hate anything or anyone more than I hate myself. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t get why, but that’s the way I feel.

See it’s not so much that I want to die as much as it is that I don’t want to live. I have no motivation for life and I’m not happy, I haven’t been for years and years. I think the only reason I’m not dead yet is that I don’t want to die without having at least one person know why I’m like this. I want the people who did these things to me know how much it hurt me.

I’m just so tired of the same old shit. And I know it is a hard process beating depression but I never knew really how hard until recently. I dont think I want to live long enough to see myself get through this

Most of people who will read this will probably think I’m pretty much full of shit as I am only 16 and I’m only a junior in high school. I mean most of my friends do, and most of them treat me like some pathetic puppy dog. The things that happened to me weren’t just things I made up or exaggerated. I mean I could of had it worse, I wasn’t raped or abused or anything. But, I was bullied at school and at home. I was neglected. I think the worst part of it all is that no one bothered to help me or listen to me, which is why I think it’s effected me so much. People saw daily what others were doing to me, but no one said anything or tried to be my friend. Not one person.

I’m not some drop out or anything. I have straight A’s and I’m in all AP(college-like courses) and honors courses. Im really not smart enough to be in any of these courses, I’m just really hard on myself and I force these stupid courses upon myself. I struggle daily and I’m so tired of it.

I know I’m being selfish in the desire to commit suicide but I don’t care anymore. I’ve been struggling with depression for 5 years and I’m just really fucking tired of this. I know ther are good things in life but in my mind the bad always outways the good.

I don’t know how many people will read this all the way through, but if you do and you leave a comment or anything, please do not say that im just an angsty teen who doesn’t really know anything, because I’m not. I don’t hate the world,I just hate this who treated me like a piece of shit. I’m not saying I know everything about the world and I know I’m still young.

Its kind of funny because if any of you ever saw me in person, you would never believe that i was really like this. I’m very good at deceiving people.

So yeah that’s my rant.

Sorry it’s so long

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