My Story

  November 6th, 2011 by sunbird

As I am nearing the end,I’m finally in the mood to write my story,top to bottom,down.I’m sure it will be long,and i don’t really expect anyone to read it,but I’m grateful for the place to express every last feeling without being told “Stop talking like that,” or being ordered to take meds/go to therapy/etc.

I am in my early thirties,and would rather not see another birthday. My life is very empty,probably because of ways that I have screwed up,probably because I am just a bad person and I dont deserve any better.

  I started this life as an accident,an unwanted child.My mother actually sought to abort me,but my father stopped her,not out of any act of love or kindness,but didnt want to have the stigma. Or he wanted to opportunity to terrorize me throughout my life,of which he has done very well. On the surface,I had a decent childhood,but when you peel the layers back,I was always aware of what a burden I was,an embarrasment.I have been through some difficult times that no one is aware of,because I cant even really speak of them,and know that if I did,the people around me would accuse me of twisting things or exaggerating or making it up. Thats ok,Im not looking for healing-I have always just wanted to feel safe,and I never have. Reason #1 that I choose death.No one can hurt me there.

  I have never had many friends,and no boyfriends until I met my first one in college.I had a tumultuous relationship with him that had me dealing with multiple abortions(unlike my mother,I did not cower from that decision) a lifelong STD,and being cheated on. Not to mention the fact that as time went on,he rarely wanted to sleep with me,and criticized me for trying to get him to .

  He finally moved out of state one day after calling me at 11pm at night to tell me,acting like it was no big deal. we saw each other a few more times after he moved,but he never asked me to go with him,and  a few months later,I moved too,to a different state,to start over. I thought I might have a chance-I was 24,and wanted to salvage something of my life. I spent the next several years getting a degree and not dating,figuring that my STD ruined me for anyone else. Besides,other men werent exactly pursuing me-its not like Im the type of girl that men are attracted to.

 Anyway,after I started my career(one I wasnt sure i wanted but it seemed better than doing nothing) I met my current boyfriend at work. we were friendly for awhile first,and he was the first guy I was attracted to since my ex. He hesitated getting involved with me at first,but we eventually did,and the first two years of our relationship was pretty good.He was ok with my STD,esp. in light of the fact that he didnt want to do anything before marriage,so it never factored in. i felt a little unattractive at first,since he didnt seem to want to sleep with me,but tried to take him at face value when he said it was religious beliefs. He treated me so well and told me he loved me-no one ever had before.

Two years into it,I turned 30-an event looming over me for a couple years prior. I became mildly depressed that I had reached that age without accompishing anything,didnt even have my bachelors,just an associates,and wasnt engaged/married,no children…my finances were still a wreck,I couldnt get credit for anything.At this time,i brought up the idea of getting engaged,and he hesitated.Long story short,there were several requirements/hoops he wanted me to jump through first,and i did so,for 6 mos.Then I gave him a deadline.He surprised me on a trip a week before the deadline,and I was sure he was going to propose. he didn’t,and when I challenged him on it,we fought,and he later claimed that he was looking for a ring one night but I bugged him so much on the phone that nigth that he decided not to.

Thats what sent my depression even deeper. I was terrified of losing him,and thats when I realized that my life was looking pretty awful. Everyone at work around me was getting engaged or married or pregnant,to add fuel to the fire. Suicide entered my mind,and i acquired a drug that I know would help me if the time came. A couple of months later,I ended up in the hospital,not for an attempt,but just b/c my depression was so severe I couldnt function. I had been seeing a therapist for years before,and was on meds at that time,but obviously it didnt do jack. Neither did the hospitalization,or the intensive support group that I was urged to attend afterwards.

Over the next several months,my BF and I saw two couples counselors,he moved out of state to relocate for his job(but unlike my ex,he did ask me to go). i ended up in the hospital a second time after he moved,when he called me up to tell me that i shouldnt move until we were engaged(of which he still hesitated,saying that I wasnt “stable” enough yet). he took it back later,butI had already had a breakdown at work,which didnt help matters. i was due to move to be with him as soon as I found a job,apt,etc,but it was taking longer than i had planned. In the meantime,a couple of months after my 2nd hospitalization(which REALLY did not help),I lost my job.

I eventually found another one two months after I lost my other job,and relocated,expecting that an engagement would now be imminent. But when he still hesitated,I became more and more despondent. About 6 months ago,he started withdrawing from spending time with me,we saw another couples counselor who gave up on us,and I overheard him trashing me on the phone to his best friend,for which he never apologized. I “broke up” with him over that,but only lasted a week,because being without him was too painful. But this summer was awful-he took 5 weeks off and didnt spend a single day with me. I “broke up” again,but again,couldnt handle it. In the meantime I tried seeing 3 other therapists here,but they didnt work out b/c he would contact them(as well as my estranged family memebrs) behind my back to tell them that I was crazy and suicidal and unbalanced.

Add to that,the initial job that i took when I moved here didnt work out,I quit before I was fired again,and have found another job that is more quiet.However,my boss,who started out being friendly,has stopped and now will say derogatory things about me and takes advantage of the time that I am there.

My BF wants me to try this other group therapy,but I am tired. he has threatened to leave me or “send me back” to my home state if i dont do it. My boss claims she supports me in going,but on the other hand complains that its going to mess up her schedule.

I have tried until im blue in the face to tell everyone what will make me happy. Instead,I get condescending lectures (from friends,family,BF and therapists) about how having children and being married isnt a piece of cake and that I need to be “healthy” first. Yet,I see far more people in worse situations that have done worse in their lives,and somehow they are good enough to be loved unconditionally and have a family. Obviously I am the lowest ranking of scum if I can’t have even that.

And before the religious chime in with their come to Jesus lectures,let me tell you,that one of the many hoops ive jumped through was going to church gain,and Ive prayed for years to God to be worthy enough to be married and have children. When he ignored that ,Ive prayed for mercy and that he would take me so i didnt have to suffer here anymore. That was ignored too. So I think that God and I have kind of gone our separate ways for now. If he exists or not,if he wants to punish me for ending things,thats his deal. I have tried.

When I was at home,I used television as my escape,and got lost in the fantasy worlds of characters onscreen. There was one series that I got into when I was 15-16,in which the lead couple had such a deep friendship and romance,that I always wanted that in real life. Now I know that it doesnt exist. I found it again on youtube/amazon,and Im allowing myself to get lost in it again,as though its giving me the courage to pass onto another plane,where pain doesnt exist in any form anymore.

This may sound crazy-Im not hearing voices or psychotic,I think its just my minds way of coping,of escaping the hell that my life has become. I have cut myself and beat myself for years to let some of the pain out,and its just not enough anymore.

So I have set a date,one that is meaningful only to me.No one would ever guess it.Ive threatened suicide numerous times to people,only to be told to “quit it” and that I would get myself committed. Ive done endless research and continue to do more,but I have a pretty good outline on my plan.I know enough about the method and the body to know that it will work the first time. Im not into gestures-I dont want attention,I want to be gone.

As I said a few days ago in a shorter post,I began to feel euphoric at the thought that i dont have to be here anymore.yes,I feel sad that i will never know unconditional love,will never be a mother,will never travel to a few places I have yet to get to-but in all reality,I dont want to spend the next 40,50 or more years watching my life unfold without it and seeing others in society be happy. I can’t stand to even walk outside,let alone go to a grocery store,and see happy people,couples,families.I wake up each morning,and its pain until I go to sleep at night. Im not hungry or thirsty anymore-its as though my body knows,and is shutting down for me.

My life hurts,and I just cant do it anymore.

To anyone still reading this,thank you,and please,to anyone who wants to post any “get help” comments,please dont. I’ve exhausted those possibilities. I’m done.

But if anyone feels like me,please post or PM me(can you do that on here?)


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