I have been researching suicide methods on and off for about a year. I have had suicidal ideation for a long time before that, but I hadn’t considered very seriously the idea that some suicide methods are more reliable than others, or that I might survive an attempted suicide at all. I quickly learned that most methods are, sadly, all too survivable. The only thing that could make me feel sadder would be trying to die and surviving, assuming I remain intact enough to understand what has gone on.
I have been depressed since my childhood. My earliest memories are of feeling guilt and shame and isolation. I am now in my late twenties. I have been through 10 years worth of therapy, too many different medications to count, accupuncture, Bowen method, supplements, fish oils, diets, blood tests, MRIs, hormone replacement, career counseling, homeopathy, too many self-help books to name. They didn’t take. It’s not anybody’s fault, we all tried.
The most frustrating thing about my “research” has been that there isn’t, in fact, any easy way out of being alive. I hate to veer so close to the perennial cliche of “I never asked to be born,” but the truth is, if I had been given the choice whether to live or not I would have opted out. I just don’t have it in me, I’m not tough enough to withstand the constant struggles and hurts and millions of little humiliations. I’m lame and tired, I’m not made to survive.
I have been a good soldier all my life. I always did what everyone else wanted me to do, no matter what I wanted inside. I got excellent grades, I was a model employee, a thoughtful friend, a conscientious citizen. I was dead inside but I marched so dutifully through my life that most people never knew I was unhappy. But now I think it’s gone on long enough. I put in a good effort, I really really tried. I jumped through every hoop. Can’t I please, please be let out?
20 comments
I find the “Inert Gas & Exit Bag” just too much work and complicated.
Booking a hotel room to use this method will raise suspicion as to why you’re carrying a gas cylinder into your room.
It also raises another question: if the method isn’t done correctly, you’ll just end up a vegetable.
I’ve chosen cyanide salts dissolved in water for myself… not just due to the simplicity of drinking 2-3grams dissolved in water or just inhaling the hydrogen cyanide gas produced in acid… you lose consciousness almost instantly and no one survives a dosage 10 times the lethal dose!
sorry. you deserve more.
“sorry. you deserve more.”
That is incredibly generous. I didn’t expect anything like that. Thank you.
I don’t want your thanks. I want you to believe it. It’s true. can you believe it? At least try?
I do believe it, certainly. I mean, there’s expectations in place – to conform, to achieve, – you’d think that meeting them would result in some kind of comfort or reward. Of course I deserve more, I put in more than enough. But nature is random and often unkind and this is what I got.
The only reason why meeting expectations wouldn’t result in comfort or reward is because those expectations were someone elses, not your own. So find a goal YOU think is worth acheiving, and to hell with what everyone else wants.
Anyway i hope since you’re stuck here for now, I hope you find some nice people to be around.
I don’t know how to want anymore. I stopped wanting for myself a long time ago. I was always made to believe that any conclusion I might come to on my own would be wrong. You stop trying at a certain point. It’s a part of you that can kind of shrivel and die if you don’t use it.
Thanks. I do have nice people to be around, truly. They just don’t know how miserable I am, and I can’t bear to tell them. It’s like tying a rock around someone’s neck. It’s hard for me to spend a lot of time with them because it takes a lot out of me to conceal how uncomfortable I am, and I don’t want them to find me unpleasant to be around. I guess I’m just really committed to the idea of making everyone as comfortable as possible, generally.
i know that feeling, I bet lots of people do. It’s nice of you to put them first, just make sure you got someone to vent to… therapist at least. It’s not healthy keeping it bottle up
Thanks, I have a therapist I like a lot actually. Unfortunately she doesn’t know what to do, either. When I told her all this she cried. I’m not big on upsetting people.
It’s a tough position for her to be in I’m sure. Treatment professionals are trying to make sure you live, til tomorrow, or next week, or next year. And I can do that, I mean, I know I can do it the same way I did up until now. But it took me this long to realize I’m not actually getting anywhere, I’m just layering on distractions like bandaids. My therapist acknowledges that this much is true but she doesn’t have a better idea, and she wants me to be distracted because then I will live a day or a week or a year. She asked me to promise her I wouldn’t kill myself this week, and I know that’s what she’s supposed to do because I’ve been asked to make the same promise by other therapists, but I think it’s kind of cruel to ask that. Someone who wants to kill themselves has enough going on, they don’t need to start racking up debts.
Hmm, I agree this is just a bandaid.. maybe it’s time to switch therapists. Are you seeing a psychologist or a counciller? there is a difference. and each one is different and has a different approach, so if your therapist doesn’t know what to do, that’s not very encouraging for you… best to find a psychologist with a better solution
Psychologist. I’ve been through a bunch of them, mainly for CBT but I’ve done talk and hypnosis as well (don’t ask.) Most of them have been pretty competent but this one is by far the least dismissive. I don’t know what she’s supposed to be doing or saying, I don’t know what you do or say to someone like me. I’ve been in treatment in one way or another for over 10 years, I have a zillion competing disorders – I’ve been turned away by two therapists in the past because they didn’t think they could help me. I’m a good patient, I do all my homework and I’m always polite, I never miss appointments or turn up late. I feel like everyone involved has done all they can. Not every animal is meant to survive.
If you don’t mind me asking, how do you have the emotional and mental resources to even engage with the problems of a complete stranger? I’m assuming you are suicidal or at least distressed enough to google “suicide,” or else you wouldn’t be here.
‘how do you have the emotional and mental resources to even engage with the problems of a complete stranger?’
Hm. I don’t know how to answer this question. My way of thinking is that… even my closest friends are in a sense complete strangers because you never truly know what someone is thinking. So to engage emotionally with the problems of a complete stranger, from my way of thinking, is entirely human, in the same way I engage emotionally with my friends.
You are right. I found this website by researching suicide. It is something i think about, and I see no harm in researching the options (I’m an avid learner of pretty much anything), that doesn’t neccesarily mean I’m going to do it. In fact, in researching, I’ve found a quick and painless death to be quite difficult. However, suicide is simply not an option for me, I can’t put my family through that, so I just have to try every coping method in the book to get by and try to make life better since I appear to be stuck here. And I do find pleasures in life, the trick is to try to focus on them and not get overwhelmed by the pain.
I’m sorry you haven’t had luck with therapy. But with therapy there are an infinite number of solutions because it changes with each therapist. Though I can understand that it gets tiring jumping through the hoops. I hope you can find small solaces, somewhere. They do get you through. And this is, as always, a safe place to vent when you need it.
I have a question for you, I have a theory. I believe many suicidal people are ironically the most connected to life. Because they experience it so intensly that it gets overwhelming. Do you think you fall into this paradigm? And if so, does that indicate somehow that it’s not life that you hate, just your particular life and circumstances? Because there must be some part of life that you like…?
It just struck me as unusual because it’s hard to have any extra care to give out when you’re in a lot of pain. I guess by “you” I mean “me.” That and the fact that the internet is not generally exemplary of the kindness of strangers. How long have you been suicidal? How long have you been coming here?
“I have a question for you, I have a theory. I believe many suicidal people are ironically the most connected to life. Because they experience it so intensly that it gets overwhelming. Do you think you fall into this paradigm? And if so, does that indicate somehow that it’s not life that you hate, just your particular life and circumstances? Because there must be some part of life that you like…?”
I didn’t realize until you asked, but this is something I just assumed everyone understood on such a basic level that I never even bothered to question it before. My whole life I’ve been told I’m more “sensitive” or “aware” than other people, and I do have some sensory processing issues typical of Highly Sensitive People, so I mean, it checks out I guess.
I don’t have any beef with life. I have a really profound respect for the universe and its vastness, and splendor, and cruelty. I believe in the chaos and accident of nature. But I think something we’ve increasingly forgotten, or blocked out, in the wake of the industrial revolution is that not every animal is made to survive. Not every person is made to survive. I’m not saying I want newborn babies in respiratory distress to go without treatment or for people who break their legs to die of starvation. But I look at myself, and I know I just don’t have what I need to survive, and I wonder if I had been an elk or something if nature wouldn’t have eliminated me.
There are things about life I do like. Even things I really really like. But they’re just not enough to blot out the fear and discomfort I am in all the time, and so much of what I want seems out of my reach due to circumstance or being a general chickenshit. Everything you like is bittersweet when you hate yourself.
@weathofamber: ‘suicidal’… on and off… maybe 19 years? Obviously some patches way worse than others, but depression dfinately for 19 years. Found SP in July.
I asked you about your connection to life, sensitivity, etc. because if you do have that deeper connection to life, if would make sense that part of the depression is not feeling fulfilled enough, knowing that there is more to life than what you’re currently experiencing etc etc. This is only relevent in the sense that, inherently, it means that you have tangible goals you could chase in order to get what you want out of life. Those goals might not be the same goals that normal people seek. I think this is part of the reason why depressed people get confused and depressed, because they might achieve those things that are SUPPOSED to make people happy (a house, good job, etc etc) but they are still not happy. Anyway, this is just a theory that may or may not apply to you so feel free to dismiss as you like.
You are right that not every animal was meant to survive, but it is natural that every human be born with survival instinct. A death wish is actually unnatural. The causes might be specific trauma, or there might be a genetic contingent, but either way, it is not natural.
‘Everything you like is bittersweet when you hate yourself.’
Very true and very tragic. So… I guess either keep trying to learn to love yourself, or find a worthy cause to sacrifice yourself to and become a martyr. The second option might not be the healthiest, but it will help with your sense of self worth at least.
Good luck. You really do deserve it.
Thanks, you’ve been very very kind. Good luck to you as well.
This was me two years ago. I’m alive.
So nice to see that you are still alive Wreathofamber. Has your life improved any? I hope so, you sound like a very sweet person. I could relate to so much of what was said in this thread. I definitely feel more aware and connected to everything going on around me and in this world. I think that I feel the suffering of others so intensely that it actually adds significantly to my depression. I was also always told what an exceptionally sensitive kid (then later adult) that I was.
Very happy to see that you managed to plunge through another 2 years and I’m hoping that your life has gotten somewhat better.
Hi Cagedtiger
My life is better. I still think about dying every day, I think that’s something that will always be a part of me, but I got on an antidepressant that worked a lot better for me and I managed to scrape together something like a life. I have a job, I’m pursuing my dreams, I’ve had romantic partners and new friends and amazing opportunities come my way. I’ve been able to work hard, and reap the rewards. I still don’t feel as energetic or as happy as I suspect my peers are, but I have something now, or rather I have something to lose, and that makes it a bit easier to live.
I’m not doing especially well, now.