Newly Married and Sad Anyway

I just got married in September. I took a long honeymoon with my new husband and sitting on the beach, I didn’t think about how depressed I am. It took only three weeks back until I realized how lazy I am towards my own life. I hate my job but I don’t have the energy to change it (or at least try to get a new job). The problems with the economy have convinced me that it would be futile. Or at least that is what I tell myself. My friends are self obssessed. But I haven’t had the energy to reach out and try to make new ones. Its impossible at my age. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I have a horrible problem with drinking. My husband knows but doesn’t care enough to try to stop me. He is the problem. Or at least that is what I tell myself.

I’m self aware. I know that I am my “own worst enemy”. I know that at bottom, my problems are my inability to change. Its like smoking (I’m a smoker). You would have to be an idiot not to know how bad for you it is to smoke. But you keep on doing it because of utter laziness and an inability to change. I also like to smoke. There, I said it. I enjoy smoking. Considering that I am seriously thinking about ending my life, smoking is the least of my problems.

I am a lazy person. I can’t even get it together to kill myself. The one good thing I ever did was to get married (maybe I shouldn’t have done this to someone who is so blissfully ignorant to the sad lazy sack his wife is). I watch him sometimes and I know how much it would kill him for me to die. And I love him so much that I don’t want him to hurt. He is such a happy, happy person. He doesn’t deserve me.

I had a therapist once when I was hospitalized who refused to release me when I told her that I wanted to live only because it would hurt my mother and the rest of my family for me to die. She told me that was an unacceptable answer because I was supposed to want to live for myself. I was medicated enough to change my answer then (or my insurance ran out) but nowadays I think back to what she was telling me. I can’t just live for someone else. I don’t have the energy.

I know I sound like a horrible person. I got married because I hated my job and he was a cool guy and I could take a fabulous vacation. (that of course, is understating the amount of love I feel for this man). But I can’t live just to make him happy. I am too sad all of the time…I don’t know how to fix this and I think about ending it all the time. I cruise the internet late at night for ways to die. I’ve taken huge amounts of Ativan and almost died. I’ve been hospitalized so many, so many times for this. And then I met this man and he gave me happiness. For a year, I was almost happy. I went on a honeymoon and I was completely happy. Now, he turns to me when we go to sleep and I turn away. I complain to him all the time. He is starting to not be happy. Because of me…