Hi
Hi
Are you feeling any better today ?
Yes Ma’me.
Anything you need to talk about ?
No Ma’me. I’m just fine. Just like last week.
Are you lying to me, Ty ?
No Ma’me. Do I look like I’d lie ?
No. But sometimes I wonder, are you really okay ? Or is it all a lie.
I’m getting better.
Have you been taking your meds ?
Yes Ma’me. Always.
Promise ?
Okay.
Ty, I’m not playing. If you aren’t taking your meds, you won’t get better.
I’m fine ! Get on with the session, I only have an hour….
This my normal Thursday morning. Talking to the therapist at the hospital. Making her think I’m better.
I take my meds sometimes. I try to remember them. But I never do.
I know I’m crazy. They told the other doctor that I was, and dangerous, to others and myself. But that it wasn’t bad enough to lock me away yet.
So why does it feel like I’m trapped ? I feel like purgatory… The line between heaven and hell. I am on that line. The line between choosing to live or choosing to die. Heaven or hell.
So I think I will stop my meds completely, and stop trying. Get unattached to people so they wont miss me when I’m gone.
The only thing in the world that I want is a hug and kiss from Michael.
His blue eyes always shining, running around like a ball of energy that he is. The smile where he’s missing a tooth. 8 years old, back in March, he turned 8, and I missed it.
My little brother Michael. I never see him anymore. Never get to talk to him. And I heard what he does to Michel. How he hurts him. And there is only 2 options. Either I die, or he does. Because no one is going to hurt my little brother. And I can’t handle it anymore either. He is so much easier on Michael. I can’t stand to see little M hurting, so either I die and stop having to watch from the sidelines, or he dies, because I join in the game, and make him miserable, make him wish he was dead…
Like I wish he was.
And Nicole.
I only want her to love me. But I can’t protect her either. And she hates me for that.
What can a big sister do ?
They are so much stronger than me. I can’t handle him anymore.
And I can’t make Nicole love me. I can’t fix it.
I only wanna tell them I love them one more time. So I can go in peace, without them ever having doubts. And that will be soon. I will make it happen.
Hello again Ty.
Hi.
Are you feeling any better today ?
Yes Ma’me…..
2 comments
I read this and I feel closer to you than anyone else. You’re story saddens me but it comforts me. To know I’m not alone in the way I feel.
I can tell you are brave. I wish I could help you but I can’t even help myself.
Know that you have friends. Even if we will never meet you. We still care for you
Love
you have courage and conviction.
a protector.
do your loved ones a favor.
before you make your decision please exhaust your efforts trying to find a way to save them.
they may not have anyone else.
not telling you what to do but just make sure you take the time to think beofre you make the decision.
my decision to exit has been deliberated over for most of my life now.
no one for me to protect and I’m only a drain.