Opportunity not taken
November 1st, 2011 by caucajun32
I had planned on today being the day. I woke when roomate left for work at 6am. I set up the “tank” affixed the line and mask to my face and couldn’t do it at first. I Kept taking it off and putting it back on. This went on for 4 hrs. The last time I put it on, I actually opened the valve and inhaled possibly 2 breaths, I felt a great deal of panic as I felt something was happening, I was on the edge of passing out, yet the panic and heart rate was thru the roof.
I am so freaking scared to continue to live, and I can’t be man enough to just keep breathing the gas until I passout.
I wish I had a gun, I always said to myself I would never use a gun, yet its so instantanious, as soon as the trigger releases the hammer, Bang. Its all over.
This sucks, I now have to find a way to get this done again. If no one is around I will try the gas again.
I’m so freakin scared to live or die, I hate being a whimp about this, I need to man-up and kill myself.
Nov 01, 2011 @ 18:11:17
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Nov 01, 2011 @ 18:26:57
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Nov 01, 2011 @ 18:49:52
I either kill myself or go to prison
I’m 50 yrs and would make it in there, also it’s a long sentence I’m facing, I’d be like 75 if I made it to completion.
I am so screwed, I only have myself to blame.
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Nov 01, 2011 @ 21:45:11
Don’t man the fuck up. Generally I’d say man the fuck up but this is a serious topic dude. If you are lucky you could get out with good behavior. Have you ever seen the movie shawshank redemption? Institutionalization completely can mess you up if jail is all you know. But when you are 75 you’d still have probably 5-10 years to enjoy yourself.
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Nov 01, 2011 @ 22:25:35
Prisons aren’t like the one portraid in ShawShankRedemption, I could hang in a prison like that, well it was Hollywood, they didn’t emphisize any real violence or prison rapes.
I spoke to 2 people today about my situation, they agree I’m screwed, these are 2 people I trust I told both I had attempted suicide today. They are as powerless over my attempts as I am over my current curcumstances.
I wish I could leave the country and start over, yet I have no real skills, nor a passport, nor any serious seed money.
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Nov 02, 2011 @ 00:00:52
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